Saturday, June 23, 2018


This hound dog and this parrot
are the wind beneath my wings
But both of them are rescues
and they're scared of many things.

This hound dog and this parrot
are the scowl upon my jowls. 
I got the hound dog's vocals clipped
and now the parrot howls!

Friday, June 22, 2018


the nightingale
sings a little song of hope
on my ibird app

Thursday, June 21, 2018


You know those songs where rappers talk about weed or a car or a gun as if it's a woman they're in love with? I decided to do one of those about American Spirit.

this is for a girl who's special to me

she's American, ancesterally
she loves the festival me
and the vegetable me 
I'll have to call it off eventually 
but we've rendezvoud
in my Honda, dude 

i love her like hot sauce on some food
and I fear it

what will happen

to my spirit

Wednesday, June 20, 2018


Sorry I didn't blog yesterday, fans. I'm supposed to be doing a new post every weekday, now, even if the post is just a drawing of a bird--that's what it says in my DREAMS AND PLANS textedit document--but I couldn't think of anything to blog about yesterday, and I didn't feel like drawing a picture of a bird.

Don't worry about me not posting today, though, because I have something to write about today. Something real, and bird-related. (Hopefully it'll shut up those readers who've been complaining that this blog "doesn't contain any information.") If you read the title of this post, you already know what I'm talking about:

A crow fight!

I was walking out of People's Park, having just smoked one and a half back-to-back spliffs (more on that in the the upcoming expose, I WAS A 30 YEAR OLD SPLIFF ADDICT) when I heard a violent cawing in the branches abovehead. Crows I thought to myself, knowingly. And they were. But they were doing something pretty interesting:


But I don't know if they were actually fighting. There were four crows, in what appeared to be two seperate 1-on-1 fighting groups, stabbing their beaks into each others mouths in an aggressive-seeming way. One of the pairs appeared to be fighting over a dry leaf, but I couldn't tell for sure, and it didn't look like the other pair had any leaf at all. It's possible they were kissing, "swapping" or doing something else sexual instead of fighting, but it didn't look like the footage I've seen of crows kissing (which should have more views, by the way--Mr. Toxic Turtle is right) and it didn't look like the footage I've seen of crows having sex. Furthermore, I just read a blog post saying that crows mate on the ground, and these crows were in a tree.

What do you think, reader?
Were the crows kissing or fighting or mating?
Have you seen this?
What are some of your fondest memories of People's Park?
Remember when Thomas used to end his blog posts like this?  

Monday, June 18, 2018



This is a clip I learned about from Jonathan Franzen's National Geographic article about birds, which I read last weekend in the name of doing research for this website.  Crowboarding, snowbirding, crowbirding...whatever you want to call it in the youtube comments, this is a dope movie.

GHOST DOG 2: GHOST BIRD - You thought the pigeons from GHOST DOG 1 were dead...but one of them--"Ghost Bird"--survived the massacre, and he's out for blood. Hi-ya!  


Disney caught a lot of flack for this crow scene, because of the smoking, but I think it holds up. It's a friggin' crow smokin' a cigar!

THE BIRDS 3: BIRDS VS. FISH VS. INSECTS: TOTAL WAR - This explosive installment in The Birds Quadralogy (THE BIRDS, THE BIRDS 2: NO HUMANS, THE BIRDS 3: BIRDS VS. FISH VS. INSECTS: TOTAL WAR, and THE BIRDS 4: FISH VS. INSECTS: NO BIRDS) finds Zach Hunter and his gang in the woods, on the run from Lord Flycatcher, with time running out. (Hunter has discovered a map containing the location of a machine that controls the weather, and the Bird Federation will stop at nothing to get it.) Tom Cruise and Andy Serkis knock it out of the park again as Zach Hunter, the duck.

Friday, June 15, 2018



  • Try to look at smoking as something you're doing to lose weight, so it feels like an assignment. Then just don't do the assignment.
  • Get a job at the cigarette factory. Trust me, you'll get sick of em!
  • If you find yourself wanting a cigarette, do something productive instead. That'll make you feel better in the long term.
  • You can smoke cigarettes, but no bumming them from people, and every time you get a pack you have to break 19 of them. No sharing! (This one takes a lot of self-control.)
  • Move to Antarctica, or some other place where cigarettes are really expensive.
  • DON'T quit smoking cigarettes. That's always an option too!
  • Smoke a pipe. 
  • Take mokies.  
  • Do it for a bet.

Thursday, June 14, 2018



Noel: Why won't you return my caws?

Paul: I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if we rub out cloacas together and I discharge my sperm into you, your egg's not going to fertilize and you'll see that I'm not the gull you want me to be.

Noel: I don't want you to be anything. I'm already in love with the gull that you are. 

Paul: Then tell me again. Whisper it towards my inner ear structure. 


Paul: The first time I had sex, I was three months old, and it was in a McDonald's parking lot with this older gull I didn't know. When we were finished... I nervously tried to kiss her ...and I accidentally tapped that little red dot on her beak and she threw up right in my face. We never spoke again.

*Dramatic Pause*

I just wanna make sure that a couple years from now, I can still see you up close, and we'll still have a million things to say.

Noel: HUOH-HUOH-HUOH!!!!!! HUOH!!!!


Paul: Hey, do you know why we're called seagulls?

Noel: Shhh.... 

Wednesday, June 13, 2018


Here it is again, fans: my long lost, 15,422-word college writing class epic, "GORILLA-VANCE." Shout out to D-Boy, my long lost college friend, for plucking it from the abyss. And to Fuschia Quillman and Delicious Delicious, for the Art.

It is, to paraphrase Shakespeare, a tale told by an idiot: Me, a failure-obsessed wiseass, in those late college years after my slightly less lazy friends had graduated and moved to Portland or Colorado. But the true protagonist of the story is not this "Tesse Wolfson" narrator character, but the savage and majestic The Evergreen State College woods in which he narrates. As Ted Bundy used to say, those woods can really bring out the best or worst in a person.

Click that "read more" button if you think you can handle it.

Saturday, June 9, 2018


Anthony Bourdain

Butthole Surfers


Brian Reagan

Matt Sonzala


Chris Rock

Dishwasher Pete (The GOAT) (And the original person to do this idea.)

Sam Pink

Gerald Ford


Charles Bukowski

Malcolm X

Dirk Diggler