Monday, June 18, 2018



This is a clip I learned about from Jonathan Franzen's National Geographic article about birds, which I read last weekend in the name of doing research for this website.  Crowboarding, snowbirding, crowbirding...whatever you want to call it, this is a dope movie.

GHOST DOG 2: GHOST BIRD - You thought the pigeons from GHOST DOG 1 were dead...but one of them--"Ghost Bird"--survived the massacre, and he's got vengence on his mind. Hi-ya!  


Disney caught a lot of flack for this crow scene, because of the smoking, but I think it holds up. It's a friggin' crow smokin' a cigar!

THE BIRDS 3: BIRDS VS. FISH VS. INSECTS: TOTAL WAR - This explosive installment of The Birds Quadralogy (THE BIRDS, THE BIRDS 2: NO HUMANS, THE BIRDS 3: BIRDS VS. FISH VS. INSECTS: TOTAL WAR, and THE BIRDS 4: FISH VS. INSECTS: NO BIRDS) finds Zach Hunter and his gang in the woods, on the run from Lord Flycatcher, with time running out. Hunter has discovered a map containing the location of a machine that controls the weather, and the Bird Federation will do whatever it takes to get their talons on it. Tom Cruise and Andy Serkis knock it out of the park again as Zach Hunter, the duck.

Friday, June 15, 2018



  • Try to look at smoking as something you're doing to lose weight, so it feels like an assignment. Then just don't do the assignment.
  • Get a job at the cigarette factory. Trust me, you'll get sick of em!
  • If you find yourself wanting a cigarette, do something productive instead. That'll make you feel better in the long term.
  • You can smoke cigarettes, but no bumming them from people, and every time you get a pack you have to break 19 of them. No sharing! (This one takes a lot of self-control.)
  • Move to Antarctica, or some other place where cigarettes are really expensive.
  • DON'T quit smoking cigarettes. That's always an option too!
  • Smoke a pipe. 
  • Take mokies.  
  • Do it for a bet.

Thursday, June 14, 2018



Noel: Why won't you return my caws?

Paul: I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if we rub out cloacas together and I discharge my sperm into you, your egg's not going to fertilize and you'll see that I'm not the gull you want me to be.

Noel: I don't want you to be anything. I'm already in love with the gull that you are. 

Paul: Then tell me again. Whisper it towards my inner ear structure. 


Paul: The first time I had sex, I was three months old, and it was in a McDonald's parking lot with this older gull I didn't know. When we were finished... I nervously tried to kiss her ...and I accidentally tapped that little red dot on her beak and she threw up right in my face. We never spoke again.

*Dramatic Pause*

I just wanna make sure that two years from now, I can still see you up close, and we'll still have a million things to say.

Noel: HUOH-HUOH-HUOH!!!!!! HUOH!!!!


Paul: Hey, do you know why we're called seagulls?

Noel: Shhh.... 

Wednesday, June 13, 2018


Here it is again, fans: my long lost, 15,422-word college writing class epic, "GORILLA-VANCE." Shout out to D-Boy, my long lost college friend, for plucking it from the abyss. And to Fuschia Quillman and Delicious Delicious, for the Art.

It is, to paraphrase Shakespeare, a tale told by an idiot: Me, in 2015. A late-graduating wiseass, trapped in The Evergreen State College making jokes that nobody liked all day. But the true protagonist of the story is not this "Tesse Wolfson" narrating the adventure, but the savage and majestic Evergreen woods in which he narrates. (Or maybe that protagonist is the gorilla.) 

Click that "read more" button if you think you can handle it.

Saturday, June 9, 2018


Anthony Bourdain

Butthole Surfers


Brian Reagan

Matt Sonzala


Chris Rock

Dishwasher Pete (The GOAT) (And the original person to do this idea.)

Sam Pink

Gerald Ford


Charles Bukowski

Malcolm X

Dirk Diggler

Monday, June 4, 2018



Thursday, May 31, 2018


What is it about my birding gear that gives people the urge to bully me about it?   

Is it the large number of zippers and straps on my clothing, like I'm supposed to be an S&M guy or something? Hmmm? Is it my short shorts? Hmmm? My long boxers? No. Good guesses, but you're wrong. The real reason is not the gear (the gear is dope), but the fact that I'm a man, and birding is considered to be a feminine activity. Like "reading" or "volleyball," it is beloved by many men all over the world, and everyone knows this, but it's feminine anyway because it isn't violent. The more violent something is, the manlier it is--this is the 1 Rule of Man, laid down by the Ancient Bully-Alphas--and even though women and out-of-shape men like you and me think it's bullshit, we're also not going to fight anyone about it.

So, Tesse, you say, given these circumstances, how do we fix birding's P.R. problem?  



This might seem reckless and counterintuitive to you at first. And in fact, that is an accurate view of it. (Like stomping on the ping pong ball after a game...)  But despite its immorality--and illegality, in many areas--the technique actually dates back to the very earliest days of birding, when the caucasian explorers had to shoot all of the birds out of the trees with guns, so they could draw pictures of them easier. To this day, it remains the most effective technique for getting close to birds and drawing pictures of them without them flying away.

The bird you're going to want to start with, I think, is a chicken. They're easy to catch and identify, and they taste extremely good. Find a chicken coop near your house, sneak into it at night (the chickens are going to make a lot of noise, so wait until the farmer goes on vacation before you do this), and scoop one of the chickens into a sack. Kill it, draw a picture of it for your notebook, and never, ever tell anybody.

Thursday, May 24, 2018


"Jacking off is to writing as sitting down is to reading."


Tuesday, April 17, 2018


"When an idea you've gotten feels already thoughtten,
don't look it up, or your foot you'll've shotten."