Friday, February 9, 2018


For this episode, Thomas and I went to Stow Lake in Golden Gate Park (San Francisco, CA) to feed the birds. Here are some pictures that Thomas took:

[              ]  Ducks!!!

See if you can spot the bird...

The [            ] Duck and some Mallards

Canada Geese!!

Blaze the Blue Heron

The Common Worm

A Pigeon

Try to identify the bird!


The Hooded Merganser(? Now I'm not so sure)

The Ring-Necked Duck

This episode is brought to you by explosive eversion of a duck penis.

Sunday, December 24, 2017


Merry Christmas to all the Christmas Lovers and Christmas Haters out there. This song is for you. 
(Also available on soundcloud.) 

Tuesday, December 12, 2017


Thomas and I, along with my good friend Engineer Miles, have started a podcast about birding.
That's supposed to be the topic of this website, too, as you might recall, but I've let it devolve into shameless, mind-numbing lists as of late (what is this, every other website?!) and the birding has taken a back seat. 

Now, thanks to this podcast, it's back in the front seat.
One thing I learned about hobbies this year is that the only way to stick with them is to do them with friends. Look at how Vancouver Boys Book Club got us all reading two books a month, for example.  (UPDATE: I finally finished ANNA KARENINA yesterday.) This podcast, originally titled BIRDS WITH FRIENDS, is like Vancouver Boys Book Club for birds.
We had to record some of it on Thomas's iPhone, and scheduling has been an obstacle (this thing's got more moving parts than Anna Fuckin' Karenina!) but I can tell we're onto something good. In any case it's nice to be recording out in the woods, instead of a tiny kitchen filled with Thomas's science homework.  

Here are some pictures from our expedition: 

Pileated woodpecker

The majestic banana slug.


See you next time, birders! 

UPDATE: If you, like Thomas, are enamored with the idea of a bird with a human penis, check out these posts by the internet's best website,

Tuesday, November 28, 2017


I was on facebook for a couple years, and I posted a lot of  great  jokes over those years, but since I had very, very few  facebook friends (less than my dad, even) the jokes never got the recognition they deserved. Now that I have a successful blog, I want to give them another chance. Please like!

I did it, folks. I finally made it through all 9 and 1/2 hours of Claude Lanzmann’s landmark Holocaust documentary SHOAH. But somehow, I don’t feel as good as I thought I would.

Good wine, lively conversation, a home-cooked meal with friends...don't let these things distract you from winning at charades.

Which aspect of “The Big Rock Candy Mountain” is most appealing to you? For me, it’s gotta be that lake of stew. MMMMmm!!

(To the tune of “One”)
♪ X is the sexiest letter in the alphabets /
 Q is not as hot as X, but in fact it looks a little more like sex.

My friend’s so into 90’s rap, he has a page-a-day PHARCYDE calendar!

(To the tune of “Cherry Pie”)
♪ Squeeze my hairy thighs / Full time squatter and this here’s why
Feels so good that I must describe /my sweet, hairy thighs

"Girls...they look like squirrels....they're always resting...on their laurels."
-JJ, last Freestyle Friday.

a WINDOW is the best painting, man. It's the best piece of artwork you could possibly have.

Nothing delights me
Quite like an iced tea
But I will settle
For tea from a kettle

This Applebee's is crawlin' with gentiles.

On my list of favorite rappers, Fred Durst is dead first.

(To the tune of “Israelites”)
Get up in the morning, shake out his dreads, yeah
In de Camry, puts on Grateful Dead
Oh, oooooh, delivery guy

(To the tune of “Closing Time”)
  Smoking fine
It’s your choice to kill yourself but I won’t let you do it here
Smoking fine
Just be like the rest of us and live in fear
I know where I want for you to smoke
I know where I want for you to smoke
I know where I want for your to smoke, and not smoke

Happy TBT, fans! Here's an old flip phone picture of the time I met Anne Perry, aka Juliet Hulme of the Parker/Hulme murder case. You could've bludgeoned the sexual tension in the air with a brick!

"The key to a funny joke is the element of surprise." --ADOLPH HITLER

Tuesday, November 21, 2017


“Boy, that thing does NOT wanna come out!"
“At least now you know to sign up for AAA.”
“Maybe there’s a time machine sitting around somewhere.”

“I am NOT looking forward to this.”
"I'm gonna die a virgin, and it's all your fault!!!" 
[*Brandishing a fake rubber hand*]: "Need a hand?"
“Hoo, boy.”

Sunday, November 19, 2017


Do you spend a lot of time thinking about the opposite sex, fans? I know I do. I think about girls every goddamn day, it feels like. I guess I'm a romantic at heart.
Unfortunately, the girls I keep falling in love with don't want anything to do with me. They want some fairytale Mr. Perfect, with perfect Hollywood breath and popular, pro-semitic political views, who'll sweep them off their feet and take them away to Perfectville. They see a lone, beat up old wolf like Tesse "The Wolfman" Wolfson and run for the hills. (Watch out for coyotes, girls!) Here's what they're forgetting, though: I have a lot to offer them that this "Mr. Perfect" they're dreaming of can't offer. Do Mr. Perfect's parents have a hot tub? Is he as good at buying CDs as me? You might like the way Mr. Perfect can talk to you for hours, and satisfy your soul with his poetic, thought-provoking words, but I bet I can talk louder than him. If I get lost at the farmers market, or injure myself in the woods, you'll always be able to find me. Just follow the sound of my yell!
These great points I'm making go right over girls' heads. They're so busy dreaming of Mr. Perfect and picking out a slutty dress to wear to prom (my romantic interests tend towards blonde, 18-year-old cheerleaders with huge tits and lots of makeup), they don't even notice the real Mr. Perfect sitting right across from them on the bus, giving them the "finger guns."
It just goes to show you, life isn't always the way they make it seem in the movies. In real life, the wisecracking lone wolf doesn't always get the insanely hot girl. Sometimes, the insanely hot girl ends up with an insanely hot guy instead. (Yuck!)  I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but I worry sometimes that I'm going to get so desperate I wind up settling for a plain-faced or slightly overweight girl. Who would want to see THAT movie?
Anyway, if you want to go out on a date, let me know in the comments!!

Thursday, November 16, 2017


Surfing and religion both pressure you into acting more into it than you actually are.
When a surfer or a religious person tries to articulate their feelings about surfing or religion to you, you get the impression that maybe they're not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

Surfers and religous people both have atrocious taste in bumper stickers.
Most of the suffering in the world was caused by religion or surfing. 

Wednesday, November 15, 2017


My chill old roommate Ben is making funny cooking videos. Subscribe to his YouTube channel if you want to laugh and/or learn how to make Kung Pao Cauliflower Tacos. 

UPDATE: Looks like the "NODF Bump" has given Ben 0 new followers!!!

Friday, November 3, 2017


....with anagrams.

That explains why The Zodiac Killer mysteriously stopped killing (he grew out of it) and why the spelling in his letters to The Chronicle was so shitty.

Have a good weekend!!