No One Dies Forever

“e.e. cummings’ last words”
AHHH FUCK, I’M DYING!!!

“Crazy Family” (slightly updated)
There once was a man from North Dallas
Whose house was as big as a palace
When he got home from work
His kids acted like jerks
So he’d smack them around with his phallus

He was beating his son, named Nathaniel
When he backed up and tripped on the spaniel 
He died when he fell
And his corpse left a smell
So the kids dropped him off at the landfill

This man’s other son was named Ted
In the mountains, I left him for dead
And he cried like a queer
As he slaughtered a deer
For its bones, to escape on a sled

But that Ted thought he was quite a “balla”
He would put razor blades in my challah 
Then that crazy old Jew
Would watch while I’d chew
And I’d play with his balls, for a dollar!* [*Boston accent]

Ted had a half-sister named Katie 
Who was quite the promiscuous lady
She sometimes had sex
That was very complex
But she never had sex with a baby

One day I met Katie at school
And had casual sex by the pool
Now I live with her folks
Who make pregnancy jokes
And smoke cheap cigarettes to look cool

So it’s thanks to my hunger for poon
That I no longer sleep until noon
I just sell electronics
And drink and read comics
And listen to rap on my Zune 

“a haiku for the everyman” 
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
where the fuck are my 

“an old school joke” 
you know how sometimes you have a really good idea for a joke (like, say, that ee cummings joke), but then you get the unshakable feeling that someone’s already thought of it?
someone should do a joke about that.

“idea for a children’s song” 
boner boner boner
I made you out of dick
and when I masturbate you
I’ll hit you with a stick*
*(alternate: “I’m gonna find a chick”)
(chorus) 

“beat poetry” 
the pool hall is closed.
just me, Dave, John, and some negroes. 
The wheel of the quivering meat
conception
Turns in the void expelling human beings,
Pigs, turtles, frogs, insects, nits,
Mice, lice, lizards, rats, roan
Racinghorses, poxy bucolic pigtics,
Horrible unnameable lice of vultures,
Murderous attacking dog-armies
Of Africa, Rhinos roaming in the
jungle,
Vast boars and huge gigantic bull
Elephants, rams, eagles, condors,
Pones and Porcupines and Pills-
All the endless conception of living
beings.

oh, good.
the negroes are leaving. 

“Wichita Nights (When The Ménage à Trois Turn To Ménage à Uns)”
there once was a man with a mattress   
that was smelly, and sagged, from his fatness 
there was so much ejaculate
caked on the back of it
it made you forget all the rat piss!

“Casey at the DMV”
The sun was barely shining on that California day
On his way inside, some kids told Casey he was fat, and gay. 
(Both remarks were accurate, but Casey felt that the kids conveyed them in a unnecessarily mean way.) 
And the folks inside were nestled like gloves, inside a glove compartment
And the smell of fear clung to the dirty walls of the Department. (Of Motor Vehicles of Oakland, California.) 

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only they could make it before the giant clock stuck six
They could register their cars,  and maybe stop living like hicks
(Like Casey.) 

But Flynn preceded Casey, as did also Jimmy Blake,
And the former was retarded and the other had a fake
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy rest 
There seemed but little chance of Casey’s getting to the desk

But both these nuts were handled (pause), to the wonderment of all
Casey felt like Cinderella, prancing gay-ly towards the ball;
“Next” called out the lady who was working at the front.
Casey saw there wasn’t time to purchase any Runts 

There was ease in Casey’s manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Casey’s bearing and a smile on Casey’s face.
Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
Five thousand tongues applauded when he wiped them on his shirt.
Then as the tired lady looked up at him, rather blankly
Casey said “I got a DUI but I’ve been going to classes and I need to get a temporary license.” 

“I can’t believe I’m finally getting this done with,” Casey thought
“And I can’t believe I’m saying this to myself (because I’m gay, from the first verse) (AND YOU’LL HAVE TO KILL ME BEFORE I GO BACK AND EDIT SOMETHING!! -ed.), but that lady’s kind of hot.”
“Sorry sir” said the lady. “We’re closed. You’ll have to come back tomorrow.”
Her words made Casey angry, and they filled his sack with sorrow.  
But what can you do, thought Casey. 
Fuck it, I guess I’ll come back tomorrow. 

Damn it. 

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children are eating creamsicles;
But there is no joy inside the Oakland Department of Motor Vehicles.

“The Prodigy” 
I can’t think of what to write
our poetry teacher said that if we can’t think of what to write we can write about how we can’t think of what to write.
and I hate poetry and that sounds easy, so I’m doing it.

“Friends”
Shawn.

&

Sean

&

Shaun

&

Shan

&

Shean

&

Seawn

&

Chan

&

Chawn

&

Tchon

&

Shahhn

&

Chshawwn

&

Shon

&

Shone* [*British Accent]

&

Chjon

&

Shaunn

&

S.H.A.W.N.

&

Sh1

&

Shawne

&

Shonn

&

Chone

&

$ean

Author Bio: 
“Jesse ‘Tesse’ Wilson is the author of less than 2 works of fiction and less than 1 work of non-fiction. He lives in the Bay Area with his 0 dogs, -1 cats and -2 wives.”

Oscar Acceptance Speech: 
”Shawshank Redemption sucked, and all the movies that were nominated this year suck too, except mine.”

Favorite Warriors Moment: 
“When Chris Mullin overcame alcoholism.” 

Advice To Up-And-Coming Bloggers:
”Never be sincere. Sincerity is the death of writing.” -Gordon Lish. Also I would say don’t post quotes because no one gives a shit.

Talk Show Walk On Music: 
Mob Figaz - Sicilian Breeze 

Saturday Night Live Character:
Matt, the guy who hates soul music. 

Tombstone: 
“Mostly I’ve just been hanging out here in the graveyard.” 

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD
5 STARS. I WAS BLOWN AWAY BY THIS BOOK. IF YOU WANT TO LEARN ABOUT RACIAL ISSUES IN RURAL ALABAMA DURING THE GREAT DEPRESSION, AND/OR YOU ENJOY “COMING OF AGE” NOVELS, THIS IS THE NOVEL FOR YOU. VERY TOUCHING/CUTE EXAMINATION OF AN OLD-SCHOOL RAPE TRIAL, AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD. MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS WERE SCOUT AND ATTICUS FINCH.

THE ODYSSEY
ONE WORD: EPIC. I LOVE HOW EPIC THIS BOOK IS. (“THE ODYSSEY” REFERS TO THE EPIC ODYSSEY THAT THE MAIN CHARACTER “ODYSSE”US GOES  ON). IF YOU LIKE EPIC STORIES LIKE TROY, LORD OF THE RINGS, ETC., AND YOU ALSO ENJOY/CAN TOLERATE POETRY FROM BEFORE THE YEAR 0, YOU’RE GONNA WANT TO GIVE THIS ONE A TRY. 

WHERE’S WALDO
FUN BUT EASY (THANKS TO WALDO’S TRADEMARK SHIRT). 5 STARS. 

DOORS OF PERCEPTION
HAVEN’T FINISHED IT YET (TTYTT I ONLY EVER BOUGHT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE B/C I HAD MY MOM PUT A BUNCH OF MONEY INTO MY CAMPUS BOOKSTORE ACCOUNT AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS SCHOOL YEAR, B/C I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE ABLE TO CHARGE THE ACCOUNT FOR CIGARETTES, BUT YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY DO THAT, IT TURNS OUT, SO I HAD A BUNCH OF RANDOM BOOKSTORE DOLLARS TO BLOW THROUGH AND I SPENT IT ALL ON DRUG-RELATED BOOKS) (AND SOUR PATCH KIDS), BUT I’M 100% ON BOARD WITH WHAT THE AUTHOR IS SAYING: THERE ARE DIFFERENT UNIVERSES OUT THERE AND PSYCHEDELIC DRUGS WILL BRING US TOGETHER. 5 STARS. VERY VERY TRIPPY AND WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU PERCEIVE REALITY. 5 STARS. 

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
VERY, VERY PHILOSOPHICALLY DEEP. MAKES YOU WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD DO/HOW YOU WOULD FEEL IF YOU COMMITTED MURDER. (MINOR SPOILER.) 

THE TORAH 
THERE’S A LOT TO THINK ABOUT HERE, IF YOU’RE JEWISH. 5 STARS. (OF DAVID!)

THE GREAT GATSBY
I FOUND THIS BOOK TO BE VERY INFORMATIVE WITH REGARDS TO THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS IN AMERICA IN THE 20’S. REFRESHINGLY SHORT AND BITTERSWEET. 

A MODEST PROPOSAL
FUNNY IN AN OLD-FASHIONED, “HUMOR” KIND OF WAY. 5 STARS FOR THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX. 

THE CATCHER IN THE RYE
I FOUND THIS BOOK TO BE VERY, VERY RELATABLE, DESPITE THE BORING-SOUNDING TITLE AND THE FACT THAT IT WAS WRITTEN BY AN OLD MAN. (THE MAIN CHARACTER, HOLDEN CAULFIELD, IS A LOT LIKE ME.) I WISH JD SALINGER WOULD’VE WRITTEN MORE BOOKS AND/OR THERE WAS A CATCHER IN THE RYE FOR MY GENERATION. 5 STARS. 

A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES 
FUNNY. DON’T KNOW WHY THE AUTHOR COMMITTED SUICIDE. 5 STARS. 

THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MALCOLM X
IF YOU LIKED THE MOVIE MALCOLM X, YOU WILL L-O-V-E THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MALCOLM X. THE BOOK IS LIKE THE MOVIE BUT EVEN REALER. (SOME MARIJUANA USAGE.) AS TOLD TO ALEX HALEY.  5 STARS. 

CAPS FOR SALE
THIS IS ONE OF THOSE GREAT BOOKS FOR YOUNGER READERS. I REMEMBER IT BEING GOOD BUT I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN MYSELF SO I HAVEN’T READ IT IN A WHILE. 5 STARS.  

LOLITA
I THOUGHT THIS BOOK WAS PRETTY FAR OUT. I MEAN, WHO HAS SEX WITH  A 12-YEAR OLD GIRL? GUESS THIS GUY DID. BUT BY THE END OF THE BOOK YOU SORT OF SEE WHERE HE’S COMING FROM. I WOULD RECOMMEND THIS FOR AGES 13 AND UP.  :P 

HARRY POTTER
I WISH I COULD LIVE AT HOGWARTS AND DRINK BUTTERBEER !!!!!!!!!! 

ON THE ROAD 
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!” -JACK KEROUAC. (PERFECTLY SUMS UP WHAT CHRIS WAS LIKE BEFORE HE GOT ADDICTED TO CODEINE SYRUP. :( ) PS: THIS BOOK MAKES A GREAT GIFT FOR KIDS WHO ARE ABOUT TO GO OFF TO COLLEGE/REMIND YOU OF YOURSELF AT THAT AGE AND WILL HOPEFULLY TAKE THOSE CHANCES YOU NEVER TOOK. 5 STARS. 

BASKETBALL DIARIES
HELLA USEFUL IF YOU WANT TO LEARN ABOUT SEX. 

“100 Christian Punk Bands” Contagious Enthusiasm. What The Bujeezus? Glasses Of Wine. Johnny Goodtime and the Fitted Hats.  PG-13. To Hell With You. Nick Santa and the Straight-Edge Xmas Miracles.   
“100 Stupid Podcasts” Science For The Very Patient and Scientifically Inclined. The Your Black Muslim Bakery Podcast. The Pod…OF DOLPHINS!cast, with “Dolphin” Dolph D. Making Out With Comedians. (“So…when [loud, sloppy kiss into a sensitive microphone] did you….mmmM! [loud, sloppy kiss into a sensitive microphone]…move to LA?”) Trapped In The Podcast: A Podcopera. The Czechs Talk, with Aleksander Soucek. Allergy-cast. Werner Herzog Loves Movies (Update: Fuck!). The 18-Person Podcast. Brain Cancer Is On The Rise, With Dr. Yamamoto. Transgender Phoebe’s Cassette-Only Audio-Zine. The Left Earbud-Only Experience. Don’t Leave, I’m Just Kidding Around, with Tesse Wolfson. The Project Patcast. 
“100 Songs That Are Supposedly By Weird Al But Aren’t, Actually” Mime in the Pursuit of Fat Penis. Hate Drinkin’ Soda. GOT A STUPID CAR (gHeTto Superstar WEIRD AL PARODY). Fart-Shaped Cocks. 
“100 Fake Twitter Accounts.” (Kind of a one-trick pony.) @billwatterson. @johnswartzwelder. @tomlehrer. @squeakyfromme. @harlanellison. @realjamesellroy. @whiteybulger. @thecoenbrothers.
“100 German Folk Legends.” (Also kind of a one-trick pony.) Anselm, the Forest Badger, Who Bites Out Your Tongue If You Ask Too Many Questions. Balthazar, The Duck, Who Rips Open Your Throat With His Claw Hammer If You Disrespect An Elderly Woman. Sigrid, The Girl Who Sucked Her Thumb Too Much And Now Screams To You From The Depths Of Hell Via Telephone Static. Ulrich, Hitler’s Good-hearted Twin, Who Was Strangled. Rebeka The Nihilist, Who is Also Dead. Sigmund, The Dragon, Who Devours Happiness And Breaths Misery.
“100 Shitty Prequels.” (Also kind of a one-trick pony.) Little Indian, Big City 0: Everything Is The Right Size. The Boring Adventures Of Young Luke Skywalker. Bruce Willis Is Still Alive. Life’s Pretty Good, So Far (The Prequel To Life Is Beautiful).  Memento 2: The Prequel. 
“100 New Diets.” The 2 Shoeboxes Of Pulled Pork Per Week Diet. The Tap Water Diet. Dr. Z’s Smoking Diet. (“Just cut out dairy and replace it with cigars!”) The Shot Glass Of Vinegar Before Meals Diet.  Dr. Z’s Give Yourself A Cold Diet. (“That way you won’t want dairy or cigars!”)  The Switch Diets With Your Dog Diet. The Tic Tacs and Olives Diet. The Steal All Of Your Food Diet. The Tiny Plates And Utensils Diet. 
“100 Made-Up Animal Facts To Tell Your Children” Mosquitoes talk with their hearts! Humans and salamanders are the only animals that eat each other’s pussies for pleasure! Seagulls are hollow inside! Polar bears don’t believe in God! Clams have no sense of touch! Killer whales never worry about stupid bullshit! 
“100 Cool New Page-A-Day Calendars” 365 Stupid Holidays. 365 Songs On The Harmonica. Inspirational Quotes By Cult Leaders. The 365 Best Lil B Album Covers. (“Oh my God, Lil B is so best” -a valley girl. -ed.) Cigarette Butt Art. Quotes About Golf By People Who Think Golf Is Stupid. The 365 Most Confusing Far Side Cartoons. Unsettling Drawings and Poems By Children Who Grew Up To Be Homicidal Maniacs. Comically Tame Porn. Prison Weapons. Shitty Mothers Day Gifts.
“The 100 Worst Cereals.” Stepdad Sam’s Cigarette Butt Clusters. Protestant Charms (“Just the colorless ones!”). Cheetos Puffs. Ow! Extra-Sharp Cap’n Crunch. Whatever The Fuck Those Hippie Fruit Loops Were Called. Nickelodeon Kids’™ Booger Cereal, For Kids Who Get To Pick Out Their Own Cereal! Japanese Fish Cereal. Honey Bunches Of Cat Shit. 

..

the end? 

Goblins in New York. Kind of like New Girl, but with Goblins and in New York.
8 White Guys. Follows the adventures of 8 white guys (Trevor, Ned, Basil, River, Colin, Fritz, Rincewind, and Brent) who work at a private, men’s-only Tennis Court in rural Missouri. No social issues are discussed.
La(Layers)yCe=r=s8. A dark comedy about people who work in a factory that builds factory machine-building machines. It’s shot fake-documentary style, as a fake-documentary about people who are making a fake documentary about factory workers at a factory machine-building-machine-building factory (and they can never keep up, because they have to build their OWN machines too!). Starring George Lopez as the Unnamed Editor of the Documentary. There are 62 total episodes, and each episode is exactly 62 minutes long. Shot in 11:3 aspect ratio.
Christmas Every Day. A multi-camera sitcom about a family who lives in a town where it’s Christmas every day. (It’s not a rip off of the town in Nightmare Before Christmas, because that town was just Christmas themed. They only had Christmas once a year.) Each episode features a new Christmas song over the closing credits. That way everyone has to buy the DVD!
All The Riches In Heaven. A multi-camera sitcom that tries to make people cry instead of laugh. (The way Judd Apatow’s heading, I’d say we aren’t too far off from that! -ed.)
Just Like, A Comical, Behind-The-Scenes Curb Your Enthusiasm-meets-Louie Kind Of Show About My Life As A Successful-But-Constantly-Annoyed Liberal Arts College Weed Dealer. (Maybe, like, “Herb Your Enthusiasm”?) Featuring me and my friends just, like, getting drunk and bullshitting with each other.
Hagar The Horrible. I’m disgusted that no one has made this connection yet.
Purgatory. A show about a bunch of people who are stuck in purgatory. The main characters (at first) are Ulysses S. Grant, Dr. Vincent McJonathan (a renowned brain surgeon who ran over 5 children while he was on PCP), George (a brave and charistmatic fireman who punched his wife in the face 3 times), Julio (a former Leader of The United Nations who had anal sex with an Atheist), Trish (a loving mother and enthusiastic math teacher at a shitty inner-city school who would go out on a “night hunt” once a year and slit the throat of a random neighborhood dog, like the kid in Infinite Jest* *which is the only book available in purgatory, btw), John Lennon, William S. Burroughs, Susan B. Anthony, and Idi Amin’s babysitter. Purgatory is conveyed as a sort-of-shitty motel. (The population stays pretty low, apparently). Everyone’s allowed to smoke as many cigarettes as they want, but there’s no drugs or alcohol allowed. And you’re allowed to make out and dry-hump each other, but nothing more than that. You can’t take your clothes off. For entertainment, there’s an old ping pong table and a TV/VCR, but the only VHS tapes available are Star Wars Episode II and Shoah. (Everyone gets REALLY tired of watching Shoah. That’s one of the running jokes.) And there’s a Panda Express across the street, where everyone goes to eat (it’s your only option, except for the vending machines), and an arcade next to The Panda Express that has the Jurassic Park II shooting game and an air hockey table with a broken fan. (There’s an air hockey tournament in the pilot episode, and John Lennon pesters Trish about a rematch for the rest of the show.) Here’s the really great part about this thing though: If one of the actors is being an asshole, you just fire them and say that they ascended to heaven! And you can have new characters coming in all the time! This is a good one, gentlemen.
Berkeley Public Library. We got shows about the President. We got shows about the Vice President. We got shows about the Parks Department. We got shows about the Police Department. And you know what? All of those shows are doing great! The American public is sending us this message loud and clear: they want MORE WORKPLACE COMEDIES ABOUT PEOPLE IN PUBLIC SERVICES. You gotta get em while they’re hot! And I know one little public service building that’s just right for the job. Berkeley Public Library, baby. That place is a madhouse! (Creative Note: For realism’s sake, The show will be filmed live, on location, while college students are trying to work.)
The Sankurian Sect. This is the name of a horror movie my friend Zach & I made in high school about a murderous cult that lived in Seadrift. I could totally adapt it for you!
Finally Rich. A surprisingly-touching single-camera show about the daily life of comedian Rich Vos.
The Finale Show. Each show is the finale of a different fictional sitcom! So you could use every single one of my ideas! (Tagline: “I’m gonna miss you guys…”) The Finale of the Finale show (“Everyone Moves Back From Seattle”) will be literally the most touching thing ever. The streets will run misty with America’s tears. That’s a Tesse Wolfson promise.

ask your friend if he wants to hear a frat boy knock knock joke. hopefully he will say yes.
You: knock knock
Friend: who’s the-
Then you punch him in the balls.

there one was a man named Otis
who would always sit in a half lotus
but since he had no friends
to acknowledge this trend
he just died, and nobody noticed

Mr. Jones from the store was so friendly
that when something was slighty too spendy
he would lend you five bucks
which, business-wise, sucks
so he closed down, and now it’s a Wendy’s

there once was a boy named Trevor
who was fat, but incredibly clever
then on one fateful day
he announced he was gay
and his family disowned him forever

I once had a beagle named Scott
my friends and I loved him a lot
but then I became poor
so I called the pet store
and returned him, for money, for pot

there once was a racist named Hugh
who ate his soup out of a shoe
then he met my friend Syd
who gave birth to his kid
and his kid is a racist now, too

there once was a blogger named  Dave DeWitt
who loved his PC—was a slave to it
but then he got robbed
and could no longer blog
and no one online really gave a shit

Army Man is (was) a humor magazine that was independently published (Xeroxed and stapled) in the late 80’s by a bunch of famous Simpsons writers (George Meyer, John Swartzwelder) and humor writers who you’ve probably never heard of because they’re humor writers. And Jack Handey! It’s definitely the best magazine of all time, but the only place I’ve ever been able to find it is on Picasa™ web albums (via the Wikipedia page), and the scans that the anonymous* hero JapJaap (*unless that is his real name) uploaded there  are really annoying to read. So last night, as a public service to the World, I decided to transcribe all the parts of those blurry scans that I could make out into nice, pleasing Helvetica. Click here to download this #rare #incomplete comedy gem as a .pdf.