ADVICE TO WRITERS

"When an idea you've gotten feels already thoughtten,
don't look it up, or your foot you'll've shotten."  

--TESSE WOLFSON

UPDATE: I FOUND MY NOTES FROM BIRDING CLASS!!

Member how in Episode 3 of of the podcast I said that I couldn't find my notes for birding class? Well, I found em! And I transcribed them for you here, to save you money:

-TIP: Find a local spot to visit 1x/week
-The Sewer Ponds in San Rafael are a good spot.
-60-80 million bird enthusiasts worldwide
-Do a little homework w/ the guide before you go into the field.
-High magnification binoculars have a narrower field of view
-Small binocs won't give you as bright an image.
-With binoculars, there's always comprimise!
-Pay attention to FLIGHT STYLE. Woodpeckers are "undulating"
-They have hummingbirds at that place in Bolinas.
-The bill is very useful. Remember the type of bill. (ie "conical" or "wedged")
-"Towhee" is pronounced "Toe-y"
-Cats kill 200 million birds per year

-IDEA: "Third person creepy." A writing style in which the narrator is spying on all the characters through a window.
-BE AS DESCRIPTIVE AS POSSIBLE. BIRDING IS ABOUT PICKING GOOD ADJECTIVES.
-Vultures hold their arms (or "wings.") up in a v. 
-Hummingbirds don't have a well-developed syrnyx (the bird larynx) so they court mates with their fancy flight patterns.
-Female hawks are 15% larger than males, but otherwise similar-looking.
-Movie idea: ME AND MY BULL. A fragile, nebbish insurance salesman becomes best friends with the domineering black bodybuilder he pays to have sex with his wife. And the wife gets jealous.
-Take time to observe the bird's characteristics before looking at the guide.
-Young red-tailed hawks have brown tails. 



DIAL B FOR BIRDER, EPISODE 3

Hey fans, sorry for neglecting my blogging duties again. I got sucked into that deadly whirpool that sucked in all your other favorite blogs (except Byron Crawford and The Martorialist): the whirlpool of abandoning your blog to start a podcast nobody wants, and then abandoning the podcast. I watched--and helped--this same thing happen to 100 Grand On My Wrist,Yeah Life Sucks a few years ago, so I should've been able to avoid it, but I didn't. I got sucked in just like the rest of em. (Blame my friends and family for telling me I have a good radio voice!!!)
 Don't worry, though, because that was all just a dramatic setup. The podcast is back, RIGHT NOW, with a NEW EPISODE and a NEW LOGO. 
For this episode, Thomas and I went to Garretson Point in East Oakland, to observe the native waterfowl, and ask some fellow birders to identify them for us off-mic.   




Bird photos and addendums after the jump. (Click to enlarge.)

DIAL B FOR BIRDER, EPISODE 2

For this episode, Thomas and I went to Stow Lake in Golden Gate Park (San Francisco, CA) to feed the birds.

Look after the jump for some tight pictures that Thomas took. (Click to enlarge):

CHRISTMAS CRIME

Merry Christmas to all the Christmas Lovers and Christmas Haters out there. This song is for you. 
(Also available on soundcloud.) 

DIAL B FOR BIRDER, EPISODE 1

Thomas and I, along with my good friend Engineer Miles, have started a podcast about birding.
That's supposed to be the topic of this website, too, as you might recall, but I've let it devolve into shameless, mind-numbing lists as of late (what is this, every other website?!) and the birding has taken a back seat. 
Now, thanks to this podcast, it's back in the front seat.
One thing I learned about hobbies this year is that the only way to stick with them is to do them with friends. Look at how Vancouver Boys Book Club got us all reading two books a month, for example.  (UPDATE: I finally finished ANNA KARENINA yesterday.) This podcast, originally titled BIRDS WITH FRIENDS, is like Vancouver Boys Book Club for birds.
We had to record some of it on Thomas's iPhone, and scheduling has been an obstacle (this thing's got more moving parts than Anna Fuckin' Karenina!) but I can tell we're onto something good. In any case it's nice to be recording out in the woods, instead of a tiny kitchen filled with Thomas's science homework.  

Look "after the jump" for some pictures from our expedition. (CLICK TO ENLARGE): 

MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT'S GREATEST HITS

I was on facebook for a couple years, and I posted a lot of  great  jokes over those years, but since I had very, very few  facebook friends (less than my dad, even) the jokes never got the recognition they deserved. Now that I have a successful blog, I want to give them another chance. Please like!

I did it, folks. I finally made it through all 9 and 1/2 hours of Claude Lanzmann’s landmark Holocaust documentary SHOAH. But somehow, I don’t feel as good as I thought I would.

Good wine, lively conversation, a home-cooked meal with friends...don't let these things distract you from winning at charades.

Which aspect of “The Big Rock Candy Mountain” is most appealing to you? For me, it’s gotta be that lake of stew. MMMMmm!!

(To the tune of “One”)
♪ X is the sexiest letter in the alphabets /
 Q is not as hot as X, but in fact it looks a little more like sex. ♬

My friend’s so into 90’s rap, he has a page-a-day PHARCYDE calendar!

(To the tune of “Cherry Pie”)

♪ Squeeze my hairy thighs / Full time squatter and this here’s why

Feels so good that I must describe /my sweet, hairy thighs ♬

"Girls...they look like squirrels....they're always resting...on their laurels."

-JJ, last Freestyle Friday.

a WINDOW is the best painting, man. It's the best piece of artwork you could possibly have.

RUMINATIONS ON TEA

Nothing delights me

Quite like an iced tea

But I will settle

For tea from a kettle



This Applebee's is crawlin' with gentiles.

On my list of favorite rappers, Fred Durst is dead first.

(To the tune of “Israelites”)

♪ Get up in the morning, shake out his dreads, yeah

In de Camry, puts on Grateful Dead

Oh, oooooh, delivery guy ♬

(To the tune of “Closing Time”)

♪  Smoking fine

It’s your choice to kill yourself but I won’t let you do it here

Smoking fine

Just be like the rest of us and live in fear

I know where I want for you to smoke

I know where I want for you to smoke

I know where I want for your to smoke, and not smoke ♬



Happy TBT, fans! Here's an old flip phone picture of the time I met Anne Perry, aka Juliet Hulme of the Parker/Hulme murder case. You could've bludgeoned the sexual tension in the air with a brick!

"The key to a funny joke is the element of surprise." --ADOLPH HITLER

MY FAVORITE UNHELPFUL COMMENTS

“Boy, that thing does NOT wanna come out!"
“At least now you know to sign up for AAA.”
“Maybe there’s a time machine sitting around somewhere.”
“I am NOT looking forward to this.”
"I'm gonna die a virgin, and it's all your fault!!!" 
[*Brandishing a fake rubber hand*]: "Need a hand?"
“Hoo, boy.”

PROBLEMS WITH GIRLS

 

Do you spend a lot of time thinking about the opposite sex, fans? I know I do. I think about girls every goddamn day, it feels like. I guess I'm a romantic at heart.

Unfortunately, the girls I keep falling in love with don't want anything to do with me. They want some fairytale Mr. Perfect, with perfect Hollywood breath and popular, pro-semitic political views, who'll sweep them off their feet and take them away to Perfectville. They see a lone, beat up old wolf like Tesse "The Wolfman" Wolfson and run for the hills. (Watch out for coyotes, girls!) Here's what they're forgetting, though: I have a lot to offer them that this "Mr. Perfect" they're dreaming of can't offer. Do Mr. Perfect's parents have a hot tub? Is he as good at buying CDs as me? You might like the way Mr. Perfect can talk to you for hours, and satisfy your soul with his poetic, thought-provoking words, but I bet I can talk louder than him. If I get lost at the farmers market, or injure myself in the woods, you'll always be able to find me. Just follow the sound of my yell!

These great points I'm making go right over girls' heads. They're so busy dreaming of Mr. Perfect and picking out a slutty dress to wear to prom (my romantic interests tend towards blonde, 18-year-old cheerleaders with huge tits and lots of makeup), they don't even notice the real Mr. Perfect sitting right across from them on the bus, giving them the "finger guns."

It just goes to show you, life isn't always the way they make it seem in the movies. In real life, the wisecracking lone wolf doesn't always get the insanely hot girl. Sometimes, the insanely hot girl ends up with an insanely hot guy instead. (Yuck!)  I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but I worry sometimes that I'm going to get so desperate I wind up settling for a plain-faced or slightly overweight girl. Who would want to see THAT movie?

Anyway, if you want to go out on a date, let me know in the comments!!