The Brothers Solomon (16%..."Squandering its impressive cast with poorly-directed gags, The Brothers Solomon is a one-joke film stretched well beyond its limits.")
Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star (3%..."A severely misguided and inept comedy incapable of even telling its single joke properly.")
Incredible Burt Wonderstone (38%..."The Incredible Burt Wonderstone serves up some goofy laughs, but given its outrageous conceit, it's surprisingly safe and predictable.")
Jackass: The Movie (48%..."There's a good chance you'll be laughing hysterically at one stunt, but
getting grossed out by the next one in this big screen version of the
controversial MTV show.")
Little Nicky (22%..."Despite the presence of a large, talented cast, the jokes in Little
Nicky are dumb, tasteless, and not that funny, and Adam Sandler's
character is grating to watch.")
The Ten (35%..."Although a few of the sketches that make up The Ten are humorous, the uneven and random tone of the film cause it to fall apart.")
Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie (36%..."Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie is on a gleeful quest to repulse
audiences, but sometimes less is more with this sketchy duo.")
Weekend At Bernie’s (54%..."Weekend at Bernie's wrings a surprising amount of laughs out of its corpse-driven slapstick premise, but one joke can only carry a film so far.")
Wet Hot American Summer (38%..."Wet Hot American Summer's incredibly talented cast is too often
outmatched by a deeply silly script that misses its targets at least as
often as it skewers them.")
No One Dies Forever
Monday, January 25, 2021
HILARIOUS, ALL TIME GREAT COMEDIES THAT GOT SHITTY SCORES ON ROTTEN TOMATOES
Wednesday, December 16, 2020
THE LAND OF FOOD
You should call me Ishmael. It’ll make sense later on in the story. (Ishmael’s the name of the guy from Moby Dick, which is a famous book about whales. Hint, hint.) Actually, now that I think about it, you should call me Jonah, like the guy from The Bible who was eaten by a whale. And actually, if you’ve read that story, you can skip this story, because that’s exactly what happened to me.
In my old life, I was a reckless marine biology student who studied the insides of whales. Plus I had a minor in creative writing. (All F’s in that, though!) One day, I experimented too deep.
It’s crazy, the feeling of being eaten by something, and then feeling that thing dive deep down into the blackest depths of the ocean with you inside its stomach. At first, I felt claustrophobic. It reminded me of when I used to take BART from my apartment in San Francisco to the Marine Biology Research Lab at North Central Hayward Community College. Whenever the train dipped into the trans-bay tunnel, I’d start loudly talking someone’s ear off about how much it would suck if there was an earthquake and the train slowly filled up with water, and we all clawed and trampled each other to death trying to get to the air that was left. I think I thought that by talking about it, I’d make other people feel anxious about it, and that would make me feel good or something. I don’t know, I was doing a lot drugs back then. Environmental Science students love drugs, that’s no secret.
Anyway, I was swallowed. It's been at least a couple days now. Life is easy, yet hard. I have a little mouthpiece device like at the beginning of THE PHANTOM MENACE that allows me to breathe and drink water, but there’s nothing to eat. You’re not in the land of eating anymore. You’re in the land of food. That’s what I tell myself, when I get hungry. THE END.
Sunday, December 13, 2020
WOOK
I was looking so uncommonly fresh that it startled my mom. She’d never seen me like this. (Red jacket, Hawaiian shirt, hat with a bird on it, sunglasses. Great lighting.)
“Are you going to a party?” she asked. She sounded hopeful, which stung. I was 30 then, living with my rich parents and washing dishes 6 days a week at a sorority in Berkeley. I was surrounded by beautiful, horny girls there, but I looked and felt like shit so I just ogled through a hole in the dishpit and blasted Indestructible Beat of Soweto on my little boombox.
Things were looking up now, though. Kappa Kappa Gamma was closed for the summer, and I was about to hike up the mountain and do some drugs. On my last day of work, I’d walked down to People’s Park to give the wooks one last styrofoam container of bisque, and they'd given me 4 gel tabs of acid.
None of my friends would do acid with me, due to my penchant for thinking I was a religious prophet and taking my clothes off, but that was fine.
“It’s not really a party” I told my mom.
“Okaaaay” she said.
I ascended the mountain on foot, took the acid at the top, right as it was getting dark, and realized suddenly that dark was going to be a major theme of my vision quest.
Hmm.
How? I asked the mountain.
Just...be a creature on the mountain it said.
I inched my way down. Right foot. Pause. Right foot. Pause.
Maybe I should take my clothes off, to get in the zone I thought.
I threw my jacket into a ravine and ripped off my shirt. A bunch of jingly shit fell out of my pockets as I was removing my pants. This will save me the step of rejecting technology and throwing my phone into a creek I thought.
You're doing it again I scolded myself.
It took me about 8 hours to reassemble my outfit.
As the sun rose, I realized how muddy I was. I’ve turned into a wook I thought. Those wooks gave me drugs to turn me into a wook, and it worked.
It was beautiful out. I hiked to the top of a ridge and looked down at the seaside village where I was raised.
Boy, I hope my mom isn’t doing her morning hike today I thought. But of course she was. My mom’s very good at sticking to her fitness regimen.
“Wow” she said when she saw me. “How was your party?”
“It...wasn’t really a party” I said.
She looked at me funny.
“Ok, bye” I said.
Friday, November 13, 2020
Wednesday, November 11, 2020
Monday, June 15, 2020
AN INTERVIEW WITH GRANDMIXER GMS ABOUT PACIFIC NORTHWEST RAP IN THE 80'S
GMS: The first Pacific Northwest rapper I remember hearing, aside from the people I knew around the neighborhood and in my network of friends, was Sir Mix-A-Lot. I first heard him on Seattle’s 1250 KFOX. DJ Nasty Nes played one of his songs on his show, KFOX Fresh Tracks. I believe the song was called “Why Do The Rappers Lie.” Over time I heard more songs from Sir Mix-A-Lot, but I also remember the Emerald Street Boys who did the intro for Fresh Tracks. However, the first Hip-Hop DJ’s I remember hearing were Nasty Nes (KFOX), Sir Mix-A-Lot (KFOX & mix tapes), Arnell Smith (KTOY – Tacoma), Reggie Reg Taylor (KTOY), and Spokane’s original mixtape King was a guy named Skeet (Paul Bradley, Jr.) (R.I.P.). Skeet was a very talented musician and DJ and I always heard his mixtapes from everyone. I had the honor of working with him in the late 80s. Sadly, he died in, I believe, the late 90’s while saving his daughter from drowning.
How did you get your music information? Were there any cool record stores or magazines you remember?
What makes Pacific Northwest rap unique?
How did Nasty Nes discover Sir Mix A Lot?
Why do you think Portland never really developed a rap scene?
Who is an unsung hero of PNW rap?
Aside from the rappers I had seen at early breakdancing competitions, the first major rap concert I attended was the Spring Rap Fest in Seattle in 1987. Sir Mix-A-Lot opened the show, followed by Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, Kool Moe D, and then the 2 Live Crew (Grandmaster Flash was supposed to perform, but for whatever reason he didn’t). Nasty Nes was the host and this was the first time I actually saw him in person. This show had a major impact on me as a DJ because watching DJ Jazzy Jeff (and Mr. Mixx) showed me how at that time I was nowhere near the level I should be as a DJ, but it was inspiring because it caused me to go home and practice! They were absolutely incredible on turntables and I am so thankful I was able to attend the show! Also, being able to see all of those artists perform was quite a treat because they were all great showmen, in their own right.
Saturday, February 1, 2020
Sunday, May 26, 2019
GOOD FOR THE GOOSE
Here's what's new in my twisted world:
I've been having a reoccurring (two times) nightmare about a mutant seal with no head. It can't do anything but thrash and flop, but still it terrifies me with its tortured desperation.
Friday, April 12, 2019
IS THIS POEM BAD OR GREAT?
for the present tense
the past passed past
too fast
and the future
is a computer