tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4933841391980092672024-03-20T11:59:05.059-07:00No One Dies ForeverTesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.comBlogger77125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-32289206725124784202023-12-31T14:15:00.000-08:002024-02-28T20:48:44.863-08:00ALL THE TOPICAL PARODIES I'M DOING TONIGHT AT OPEN MIC<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">"A.I." (To the tune of “<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWgvGjAhvIw">Hey Ya</a>” by Andre 3000)</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">"A.I." (To the tune of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvddOufgbsg">E.I.</a> by Nelly)</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">"Make Tha Trap Say A.I." (To the tune of “<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgCoHhsW2Is">Make Tha Trap Say Aye</a>” by OJ Da Juiceman)</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">"You Can Call Me A.I." (To the tune of “<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uq-gYOrU8bA">You Can Call Me Al</a>” by Paul Simon) </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">"UC Davis A.I.s" (To the tune of “<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPOIS5taqA8">Bette Davis Eyes</a>” by Kim Carnes) <br /></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">"A.I. For Yayo" (To the tune of "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yc-de_RSxHM">Ayo For Yayo</a>" by Andre Nickatina)<br /></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /><b>ENCORE(?): </b><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Singularity (Put A Chip In It) (To the tune of "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m1EFMoRFvY">Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)</a>" by Beyonce)</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-7558165959830557422023-10-15T12:29:00.004-07:002023-12-28T03:03:13.326-08:00MASTER LIST OF LAFFY TAFFY JOKES (*UPDATED*) <p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><span>Q: How long does it take Jefferey Epstein to run the 100-yard dash? <br />A: Under 18 secs. <br /><br />Q: What’s the only thing less funny than laffy taffy?<br />A: Eating laffy taffy and watching Saturday Night Live. <br /><br />Q: What’s the polite thing to do when someone tells you laffy taffy jokes? <br />A: Give em a couple mini snickers. <br /><br />Q: What’s the least popular tree?<br />A: Poetry. <br /><br />Q: Why does Bill Clinton love magazines? <br />A: Because he likes to get <i>In Touch Weekly </i>with a <i>Cigar Aficionado</i> and put his <i>Business Insider</i>. <br /><br />Q: What do award-winning actors eat for breakfast? <br />A: Cinema roles. <br /><br />Q:How did Vanilla Ice get all his jewelry?<br />A: He was a safe cracker. <br /><br />Q: What does a pirate call his old friends from the war? <br />A: His army mateys. <br /><br />Q: What is James Bond’s favorite basketball position? <br />A: Shooting guard. <br /><br />Q: What’s the best hungover breakfast? <br />A: Jack in the Off. <br /><br />Q: What’s Steve Jobs’ favorite sex position? <br />A: Visionary. <br /><br />Q: What do you call a goth kid who works the late shift at Burger King? <br />A: Count Spatula.<br /><br />Q: Where does a Californian samurai get his sword, and what’s the first thing he does with it? <br />A: A head chop. <br /><br />Q: What does a British genie say when he comes out of a lamp? <br />A: “I Hugh Grant three wishes.” <br /><br />Q: Why did JFK’s head hurt? <br />A: Too many shots. <br /><br />Q: What do you call a fat bitch who wails on cello? <br />A: Yo Ma Ma.<br /><br />Q: What’s yo mama’s favorite exercise? <br />A: Lunches. <br /><br />Q: How is yo mama like 7-11? <br />A: She’s never clothed.<br /><br />Q: What’s the difference between yo mama’s ass and Pluto? <br />A: NASA doesn’t consider Pluto big enough to be a planet.<br /><br />Q: What does yo mama have in common with the movie Castaway? <br />A: They’re both willing to show you everything in the trailer.<br /><br />Q: What’s the funniest gang?<br />A: The quips. </span></span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><span>* </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><span><br />Q: What’s the worst fate that can befall a Bay Area city? <br />A: Being Concord. <br /><br />Q: What do white people do in the evening for fun? <br />A: Wine. <br /><br />Q: How does an Australian learn about their family tree? <br />A: IncestTree.com.<br /><br />Q: What’s the first thing Weird Al looks for in a woman? <br />A: Nice parodies. <br /><br />Q: How is a Polish surname similar to a globe? <br />A: They both have seven consonants. <br /><br />Q: What do you get a lesbian for her bachelorette party? <br />A: Wire strippers. <br /><br />Q: Why did Mary Jane start following Venom on instagram? <br />A: To spite her man.<br /><br />Q: What does Kanye West eat for breakfast? <br />A: Ego awfuls. <br /><br />Q: What band do my dishes listen to at nighttime? <br />A: In Sink.<br /><br />Q: What was the teenage zoomer doing in his room for the last 8 hours? <br />A: Self care. <br /><br />Q: What did the porn star call his memoir about turning his life around? <br />A: A Nude Erection. </span></span><span style="font-family: arial;"><span>* <br /></span></span></span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><br />Q: What do you call the leader of the Wu Kux Klan? <br />A: The Grand RZA<br /><br />Q: What did everyone say about the slutty accountant? <br />A: It's the thot that counts. *<br /><span><br />*= joke by "Open Mike" </span><br /></span></p>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-2874068823212283042023-07-03T09:50:00.004-07:002023-07-03T09:55:07.350-07:00The Return of Dial B For Birder<iframe frameborder="0" height="252" scrollbars="no" scrolling="no" src="https://audiomack.com/embed/tessewolfson/song/the-return-of-dial-b-for-birder" width="100%"></iframe><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Also available on <a href="https://soundcloud.com/dialbforbirder/the-return">soundcloud</a> and <a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-return-of-dial-b-for-birder/id1421557052?i=1000618808894">apple podcasts</a>. </span><br />Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-9163660693037276632023-03-27T20:38:00.009-07:002024-02-28T20:55:41.206-08:00BOOKS ARE BETTER THAN MOVIES<p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><i><span style="color: red;"><b>REJECTED BY "THE KERNAL," OFFICIAL ZINE OF THE ONYX THEATER IN NEVADA CITY, CA</b></span><br />When you see a ^ in this essay, that indicates “a book for sale at <a href="http://www.brownbananabooks.com">Brown Banana Books</a> as of this writing.”<br /><br /></i><b>Books Are Better Than Movies</b><br /><br />Read me out, movie lovers. Give me about the amount of time it would take to watch a “short film” to explain myself and I’m certain you’ll come to the conclusion that I’m smart. Remember when Christopher Hitchens said women weren’t funny, and you all admitted it? This essay will be like that essay, except funny. <br />*ahem* <br />PASSION OF THE CHRIST. It’s the 53rd highest-grossing movie in US History. Young and old, rich and poor, Christian and other, we all love Mel Gibson and his wonderful movie. But did you know that its literary counterpart, THE BIBLE^ is the highest-grossing piece of physical media EVER? Over 5,000,000,000 copies sold. No movie has pulled anything close to these numbers. Remember this, next time a fellow cinephile assures you that movies are more popular than books. <br />Furthermore—it almost feels like a cheap shot to say so—the book is always better than the movie. We’ve heard it remarked so many times we’re tired of the remark. Everyone hates the guy who says the book was better than the movie because he never shuts up, because he never runs out of examples. <br />Here are some examples of books that are better than their movies: LEAVING LAS VEGAS^ (yeah, I said it!), THE SUM OF ALL FEARS^, THE CALL OF THE WILD^ QUEEN OF THE DAMNED^, RED DRAGON^, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE^, THE ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER^, ENDER’S GAME^, THE GOLDFINCH^, SUPERHERO COMICS^…<br />Why do you feel horrible after watching 4 movies in a day and smart after reading 4 books in a day? The QUANTITY of things is the same—what’s changed? Back in the days of The Scholastic Book catalogue (bet it’s a friggin APP now…QR CODES and crap) us schoolchildren were often tantilized with “novelizations,” or books based on movies. Remember those? It’s a strategy for tricking children and low-IQ adults into reading. I ordered the novelization of JINGLE ALL THE WAY, back in the dingle all the day. It was bad, like the movie, and never even had a shot a being good. <br />But why? <br />I’ll tell you why, immediately: Movies can’t handle being books. They’re the unfunny actress on the talk show with nothing to say. No depth! Sure, we love to stare at them without blinking for hours and oogle over their redonkulous, melony bazongas, but it’s always the same drama with them: Opening credits, hero’s call to action, rising action, etc. Occasionally an “indie” movie—the kind they play at <a href="https://theonyxtheatre.com/">the Onyx</a>—resists this format, but even these movies hit the classic squares on the Every Movie Bingo Card: Bright lights and attractive people wearing makeup, minus-9 hour running time, music, refusal to show full penetration, etc. It’s positively infantile! <br />In conclusion, books are better than movies. If you imagine culture as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, books are the peanut butter and jelly and movies are the bread. THE END.</span><br /></span></p>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-19703859498719703562023-03-24T01:37:00.023-07:002023-03-24T02:55:01.656-07:00MUSIC THAT I LIKE A LOT RIGHT NOW THAT JESSE WILL FEEL INDIFFERENT TOWARDS PT. 4 BY THOMAS<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Most of my <a href="http://www.noonediesforever.com/2018/07/rap-music-that-i-like-lot-right-now.html"><span style="color: blue;">posts </span></a>on <a href="http://www.noonediesforever.com/2018/08/celebrity-guest-post-rap-music-that-i.html" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">this</span></a> <a href="http://www.noonediesforever.com/2019/03/rap-music-that-i-like-lot-right-now.html" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">blog</span></a> have been about songs that would fall into
the "emo rap" label. It seems that genre’s heyday has
passed, gentle reader. Much like hyphy music peaking a couple years after
Mac Dre's death in 2004, emo rap followed a similar trajectory after Lil
Peep's death in 2017. What we are left with is the most notable
artists of the genre leaning away from the rap side and into things like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t46ZS_L7xuk" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">pop punk</span></a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5t-CT5q-EA" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">post-punk</span></a>, and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3XyA3GCWCo" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">dance music</span></a> (Bladee's transition from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwUkGjKSyGg" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">sad cloud rap</span></a> to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaH1NZbtAgw" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">hyperpop</span></a> is something I could write a
10k-word essay on, but I'll spare you). There is only one artist from that
emo rap wave that remains heavy in my rotation: </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/7pK3uyTbI-g" width="320" youtube-src-id="7pK3uyTbI-g"></iframe></span></div><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />Drippin So
Pretty's lyrics have always really connected with me. Idk what that says about
me, because they all follow the same themes: 1. I used to do a lot of drugs 2.
I have dark thoughts 3. some emo shit about a girl breaking his heart. I
suppose I just appreciate the vulnerability of his lyrics. From the song above:</span></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> <i>Tell me what you see in me because you
can't let it go</i></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><i><span> Baby I'm just being me and I hate every bone<br /></span></i><br /><span></span></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Then in the next verse he is bragging about getting his dick
sucked and threatening the listener with gun violence. DSP represents the
dichotomy of man in its purest form. We are all just a mix of cocky lil shit
and sad sack of shit.<br /><br /></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/9cZM8pVv2Jg" width="320" youtube-src-id="9cZM8pVv2Jg"></iframe></span></div><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />One thing I love about Whirr is that their band name sounds
like their music (I had to google to recall the word "onomatopoeia"
lol): droning, hypnotic guitars conjuring a hazy atmosphere i.e. guitars going
whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.</span></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">The best form of music criticism in the post-blog 2020's is
random youtube comments and nothing tops descriptions of Whirr's music:<br /><br /></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> <i>This song is like finishing a good book or
film, and not knowing what to do with your life after<br /><br /></i></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Love it! Can't really beat that description. </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/PQ1JhGuMRRw" width="320" youtube-src-id="PQ1JhGuMRRw"></iframe></span></div><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br />Gleemer is my favorite band out right now. Just the right
blend of wall-of-sound guitars, dreamy atmospheres, and accessible songwriting.
The singer's vocals are great; emotional and longing, but always subtle and
pushed back in the mix. I highly recommend their whole discography.</span></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">According to subreddit posts about Whirr and Gleemer,
both bands fall under the rock subgenre
of “Shoegaze”. This is because a common thought you have when gazing upon your
shoes is "my guitar needs more reverb" (jk I know why it's
called that, don't leave a snarky comment). It's a great genre though! Heavy
and loud, without being angry, if that makes sense to you. </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p><p>
</p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial; line-height: 107%;"></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/LY1Gtbd3pSI" width="320" youtube-src-id="LY1Gtbd3pSI"></iframe></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><br /><br /><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I cannot recall how I came across this song, but I have been
listening to it constantly for the last 1.5 years. Something about the singer
absolutely screaming his lungs out, while keeping a melody in his voice and the
accompanying soaring emo guitars really hits the spot for me. Shoutout to the
coffee machine and ugly lamp shade in the video. Very aesthetic!<br /><br /></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/moQiJhJk2Oo" width="320" youtube-src-id="moQiJhJk2Oo"></iframe></span></div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I have this lil pet theory that the 80's set that standard
for modern pop and the 90's set the standard for modern rock. You can hear 80's
synths in countless modern pop songs, and it's been like that for years.
Similarly, I have been hearing rock music with a strong grunge influence for
over a decade now and I don't think it's going anywhere. Narrow Head have been
making grungey rock for their entire decade-long career, but are so much more than a
90's revival band. Apart from the video's appearance and guitar tone, this song
sounds pretty dang fresh to my ears. I love the change to a heavier tone
at around 2:35 before the chorus (is this considered a bridge?). Check out
Narrow Head if you are about that Seattle heroin life.</span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Ok that's all for now. </span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Rest in peace to Galen Kennedy AKA <a href="https://snitchytycoon.tumblr.com/">Nyquil</a>. I'm sure he would
hate all these songs and goof on me for not continuing to bump mid-2000s Messy
Marv. Things are always changing for better or worse and I hope to appreciate
each moment in time a little more as it is happening. Some good posts to read about him: <a href="http://themartorialist.blogspot.com/2023/01/rip-nyquil.html?m=1" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">Link #1</span></a> & <a href="https://moneybytheton.substack.com/p/c-bo-money-by-the-ton-1998" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">Link #2</span></a>. </span><span style="font-family: arial; line-height: 107%;"><br /><br />Please treat yourself with kindness<i>.<br /><br />Thomas is a former--wait no, current!--music blogger and ground turkey enthusiast living in North America. He used to have the best music blog of all time</i></span></span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><i> (100 Grand On My Wrist, Yeah Life Sucks) but it died. </i></span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><i>RIP 100grandonmywrist.com and RIP Nyquil. I'm still in the denial phase with both of you.</i></span><br /></p>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-19223082798529868522023-01-27T11:21:00.006-08:002023-02-12T02:34:39.128-08:00 DOG BOSS <p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;">“Try to remember the best day of your entire life…the sparkle and confidence you had” said the narrator of The Dog Whisperer’s audiobook (NOT The Dog Whisperer, it’s worth noting, or even a guy with a Mexican accent). I scanned my memories of days and was a little disappointed with the “best” I pulled. Definitely wouldn’t have announced it as my best day back then. <br />“Draw from your memories of that day when you’re walking your dog” said the narrator. “The dog likes it when you’re CONFIDENT and DOMINANT (American accent, don’t forget!) because you’re the ALPHA.” <br />Okaaaaay I thought. <br />I was taking my new dog for a spin down 40th Street. For years, everyone in my life’d been telling me to get a dog. That’s what happens when you’re a loser for too long. Concerned relatives analyze your life and think this guy needs something to love him or he’s going to do something gnarly. It hurts. Every time they suggested it I’d think to myself HEY, FUCK, YOU! but passive aggressive people love it when you get mad at their shitty little remarks, so I just got a dog. <br />“No no no no no” said an ugly old woman passing me and my dog on the crosswalk. The dog was doing something she didn’t like. “What’s the matter with you?” <br />“It’s not my dog,” I said. “He comes from a violent background.” <br />That was probably true enough. My entire life, I’d been the type of guy who’d claim the thing no one wanted (black licorice, middle seat, bread heel) and convince himself it was cool just to avoid the hassle of competition. This mindset is what’d lead me to the dog pound, and to this type of dog: an aggressive pitbull. <br />Not to retread old trodden, treads (for me), but can you believe they’re giving those things away? Pitbulls are the best type of dog! They’re cute AND scary in equal measure! This one wasn’t exactly, shall I say, Amores Perros strong, but you never know. I named hime Lance, after Lance Fusco from The Fusco Brothers.<br />“You shouldn’t let him shit all over the street like that.” said the woman. <br />“COME, LANCE” I said, conjuring my best day. Lance was many steps ahead of me, though. In fact, he was pulling me. I was on roller blades, a la The Dog Whisperer, and he was towing. <br />WHOOOOSH we went, leaving the old nag in our wake.<br />We were approaching a red light. <br />Lance picked up speed. <br />“SLOW DOWN” I said. <br />Run run run, went the feet. Good thing I was so fat. <br />“LANCE, SIT” I said. <br />I gently applied the rollerblades’ heel brake to no avail. Wobbles. Desperately, I brainstormed more stopping ideas: Jump into some grass….Throw change at the dog…Get tangled in another dog’s leash…. <br />In the end, I went with something similar to that third plan. I maneuvered so I was next to Lance and when he went right around a pole I went left. The leash stopped us. Lance gasped as the collar dug into his throat. <br />“CHAHCaaghgahghaghGHGH.” <br /> I gasped too, but regained my bearings quicker than he and tied him to the pole. Better let the engine cool down a little I thought, leaving Lance there and walking back to my apartment alone. <br />Good old apartment #2. It was a sparse, masculine place with no windows or wall art. I opened the freezer and took out a big steak. It was for Lance. I don’t know if you know anything about dogs but pitbulls like big, juicy steaks. Mmmm I thought, looking at the steak. I’m gonna have a steak, too. <br />While the steaks were thawing I went to my bedroom to get some sleeping pills. These were supposed to be for the dog too, but again I felt inspired and popped a few myself. What the hell. <br />I jacked off twice and the steaks were ready. Hungrily, I cooked mine (rare), crammed pills into the dog’s and re-emerged into the outdoors, high on life and pills and dog ownership (which is the same thing as power, maybe?!) Lance had in fact cooled down a little but when he saw the steak he perked right back up. I remembered reading that you’re supposed to start eating before your dog starts eating, so I halted just outside of leash range and took a big performative bite. <br />WRONG STEAK! I’d bitten into Lance’s—the raw one with pills in it. I retched and threw the meat at Lance. <br />He seemed to love it. <br />The pills were kicking in for me now. I felt even heavier and funnier than usual. Very loving towards my new animal son. Look at my strong, manly boy, rippin’ that flesh I thought. My Amores Pero. My little alpha.<br />“Slow down boy!” I said good naturedly, knowing he wouldn’t listen. <br />Slurch slurch slurch. <br />“Ha ha! You don’t stop for nobody!” I said. <br />That’s when my big thought hit.<br />I like it when HE'S confident and dominant…because HE'S the PACK LEADER. <br />Why would I be Pack leader? I’m not confident at all! <br />I took off Lance’s collar. “You are the captain now” I said. <br />He looked up.<br />“Lead” I said. <br />He wasn’t getting it still, so I smacked him on the ass to get him going, and he bit me<br />“OW, FUCK!” I said. <br />Lance ran into the street and got hit by a car. <br />I power walked home and hid.</span></span></p>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-91245235506922872362022-07-13T22:48:00.014-07:002022-07-13T22:59:37.431-07:00CREEPY TALES<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/FRtWKutry8o" width="320" youtube-src-id="FRtWKutry8o"></iframe></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></span></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Met this girl, her name was Joanie </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Smelled like a pound of old balogna </span></span></span><div><div><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Eiffel towered her with a homie </span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Bed was crowded but we all felt lonely <br /><br /></span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Met this girl, her name was Elizabeth</span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Did what we did and we both have to live with it </span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Everything she said was ignorant </span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Wrote her love letters, but she was illiterate<br /><br /></span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Met this girl, her name was Star</span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Had a big butt but she looked like Bill Maher</span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Whenever Star was in my car</span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">A gallon of gas got me less far<br /><br /></span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Met this girl, her name was Courtney</span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">Used to financially support me </span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">When I turned 40, she divorced me </span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-moz-text-size-adjust: auto; caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1">And I burst into tears, there in court-y </span></span></span></p></div></div>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-90643868525993867932022-04-06T10:32:00.005-07:002022-04-06T10:32:45.577-07:00ACTRESS PONDERING THE NIGHT SKY <p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;">Like the moon I am <br />radiant and sexy yet <br />cold and unhelpful </span></span><br /></p>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-3538641318213740712021-07-31T10:26:00.008-07:002023-11-29T12:28:50.295-08:00RHYMING POEMS ABOUT SEX: Extended Ebook Edition <p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /><br /></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZm_gK6pN7bI7xG2rwXdC9f5CPkxqduW0txHCHhPQdOV7tJglkamRzvpVLwl-KgrX12-i5CfjHnzVQJEJs1iU13_bWl8SgN7PwQqFrbXJO-kwsoFBxhKR3-XTsh0x3xlSoiXnSz2GU0VJj/s1174/RPASPhysicalVersion.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="984" data-original-width="1174" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZm_gK6pN7bI7xG2rwXdC9f5CPkxqduW0txHCHhPQdOV7tJglkamRzvpVLwl-KgrX12-i5CfjHnzVQJEJs1iU13_bWl8SgN7PwQqFrbXJO-kwsoFBxhKR3-XTsh0x3xlSoiXnSz2GU0VJj/s320/RPASPhysicalVersion.png" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial;">DEDICATED TO<br /><br />Philip G. Taylor, the tightest, most poetry poet in poetry class, who died<br />The regulars at the <a href="http://www.brownbananabooks.com">Brown Banana Books</a> open mic <br />Ethan Coen (of The Coen Brothers) <br />Anyone who likes stupid shit <br /><br /><br />FUNERAL SPEECH <br /><br />I’ll tell you this much about Katie: <br />She was quite the promiscuous lady<br />She sometimes had sex <br />That was very complex<br />But she never had sex with a baby <br /><br /><br />TO THE TUNE OF “<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haT8g7oKnns">ONE</a>” BY HARRY NILSSON <br /><br />X is the sexiest letter in the alphabet<br />Q is not as hot as X <br />But in fact it looks a little more like sex<br /><br /><br />GOLD MEDALIST <br /><br />What scientists wanted to find was <br />What the smallest dick of all time was <br />They found, in a thicket <br />A small baby cricket <br />But his dick was bigger than mine was <br /><br /><br />PARANOID <br /><br />A nosy young wife was suspecting <br />Her businessman husband of sexting <br />Indeed, texts were found<br />But her fears proved unsound<br />It was only his friend, Jeffrey Epstein <br /><br /><br />MISCOMMUNICATION <br /><br />At Burning Man once, in a tent <br />I was fucked in the ass by George Wendt <br />My wife, just that morn<br />Had yelled “fuck the Norms!” <br />But now says that’s not what she meant <br /><br /><br />NAPA ROOTS <br /><br />I put grapes in her butt (that’s amore!) <br />Lie naked, supine, in the foyer <br />She squats o’er my face and<br />North Cali wine tastin’ <br />Is what we call step number 4A <br /><br /><br />FUNERAL SPEECH #2 <br /><br />Playing “cookie game” once, drunk on rum <br />Fearing I would be last man to cum <br />I pictured your mom <br />Now she has passed on <br />But I think she’d be proud that I won <br /><br /><br />META CRITIC <br /><br />Little Jack Horny <br />Lay there forlornly <br />With an old man 69ing<br />He stuck out his tongue <br />Got blasted with cum <br />And said “why’s it all icky rhyming?” <br /><br /><br />THE RHYMING POET’S LAMENT <br /><br />Limericks and pinner dicks:<br />They say there’s correlation <br />Vaginas treat a rhymer <br />Like a hostile foreign nation<br />My texts are full of sex <br />But the narrator’s not trusted <br />When I write and recite some <br />To a girl for whom I’ve lusted<br />My wordplay’s met with mockery <br />Derision, smirks and hate <br />The word gay’s used a lot on me <br />By those who surf and skate <br />But who’s more insecure:<br />The person getting mad at art <br />Or this old dirty wordsmith <br />With a song inside his heart? <br />Long ago I made my choice <br />That’s why I’m walking tall <br />Rejoicing in my voice, now <br />But it’s true, my dick is small <br /><br /><br />IT’S THE MOTION OF THE OCEAN, NOT... <br /><br />The complexion of the erection <br />The viscosity of the atrocity <br />The immensity of the gents in me <br />The brevity of the levity <br />The BPM of the DP men <br />The diameter of the man in her <br />The amount of air in the dinghy <br /><br /><br />OPPOSITES ATTRACT <br /><br />I know an old hippie named Rosco <br />Who hangs out at rock shows, and rock shows <br />His weed is sativa <br />His shoe is a Teva <br />But his wife is indica/Chaco <br /><br /><br />SIMPLE MAN <br /><br />I don’t need to see dildos or plugs <br />While performing my manual tugs <br />I can still get a thrill <br />From a sight as vanill’<br />As a girl in a cage eating slugs <br /><br /><br />BOI-OI-OING <br /><br />My friend told me, while drunk on Coors <br />That the male sex organ of boars <br />Is shaped like a corkscrew<br />And sounds, when they pork you <br />Like those springs that save walls from doors <br /><br /><br />CASTAWAY <br /><br />A wonderful bird is the pelican <br />I just shot one with my pellet gun <br />First I shall eat <br />The sweet pelican meat <br />Then I’ll have sex with the skeleton <br /><br /><br />WEDDING VOWS <br /><br />My dick’s like a tick’s, or mosquito’s<br />Slight in even the tightest of Speedos <br />But one look in your eyes <br />Can expand it in size <br />From a munchkin’s to Danny DeVito’s <br /><br /><br /><br />THE SASSY WAITRESS <br /><br />I yelled at a waitress named Ronnette<br />To hurry and make me an omelette <br />She filled my poor asshole <br />With so much Tobasco <br />The whole Hooter’s wait staff applauded <br /><br /><br /><br />THE SOUNDCLOUD RAPPER GROUPIE'S LAMENT<br /> <br />Due, I think, to the drugs they ingest <br />The loving’s not always the best <br />We have dirty sex <br />For 1 min, 30 secs<br />Then their penises get quite depressed <br /><br /><br />HALLOWEEN (2007) <br /><br />In a field where the crows never caw <br />I touched a girl under the bra <br />The ultimate thrill <br />But she stood super still <br />And her tits felt a lot like wet straw <br /><br /><br /><br />ABOUT THE AUTHOR <br /><br />Jesse Wilson is the CEO of Brown Banana Books in Grass Valley, CA (<a href="http://brownbananabooks.com">brownbananabooks.com</a>). He enjoys reading, writing, freestyle rapping, freestyle swimming, hanging out with friends and watching adult films on his computer. <br /></span></span></p>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-59649668233752686002020-12-13T16:54:00.008-08:002020-12-28T21:56:15.790-08:00WOOK <p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">I was looking so uncommonly fresh that it startled my mom. She’d never seen me like this. (Red jacket, Hawaiian shirt, hat with a bird on it, sunglasses. Great lighting.) </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">“Are you going to a party?” she asked. She sounded hopeful, which stung. I was 30 then, living with my rich parents and washing dishes 6 days a week at a sorority in Berkeley. I was surrounded by beautiful, horny girls there, but I looked and felt like shit so I just ogled through a hole in the dishpit and blasted <i>Indestructible Beat of Soweto</i> on my little boombox. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Things were looking up now, though. Kappa Kappa Gamma was closed for the summer, and I was about to hike up the mountain and do some drugs. On my last day of work, I’d walked down to People’s Park to give the wooks one last styrofoam container of bisque, and they'd given me 4 gel tabs of acid.</span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">None of my friends would do acid with me, due to my penchant for thinking I was a religious prophet and taking my clothes off, but that was fine.</span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">“It’s not really a party” I told my mom.</span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">“Okaaaay” she said. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">I ascended the mountain on foot, took the acid at the top, right as it was getting dark, and realized suddenly that dark was going to be a major theme of my vision quest. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Hmm. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><i>How?</i> I asked the mountain. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><i>Just...be a creature on the mountain</i> it said. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">I inched my way down. Right foot. Pause. Right foot. Pause. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><i>Maybe I should take my clothes off, to get in the zone</i> I thought. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">I threw my jacket into a ravine and ripped off my shirt. A bunch of jingly shit fell out of my pockets as I was removing my pants. <i>This will save me the step of rejecting technology and throwing my phone into a creek</i> I thought. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><i>You're doing it again</i> I scolded myself. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">It took me about 8 hours to reassemble my outfit.</span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">As the sun rose, I realized how muddy I was.<i> I’ve turned into a wook</i> I thought. <i>Those wooks gave me drugs to turn me into a wook, and it worked. </i></span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">It was beautiful out. I hiked to the top of a ridge and looked down at the seaside village where I was raised. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><i>Boy, I hope my mom isn’t doing her morning hike today</i> I thought. But of course she was. My mom’s very good at sticking to her fitness regimen. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">“Wow” she said when she saw me. “How was your party?” </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">“It...wasn’t really a party” I said. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">She looked at me funny. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">“Ok, bye” I said. </span></p>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-9086372293167357902020-11-13T16:03:00.003-08:002020-11-13T16:03:45.853-08:00<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv01VOO629CpMNs5UMx0ioQfqAP0Moil_7cm47ge5y-zF4CUCb7im2Il4l_ETCp6wy3bLgp4ErMD0MjBYHDpFJbIPe1cvfk2s4NW2BaUkWwAm2najA1P9t7jGJc8-t15Vw3CTrS114zk7F/s2048/Flyer+Rough.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1329" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv01VOO629CpMNs5UMx0ioQfqAP0Moil_7cm47ge5y-zF4CUCb7im2Il4l_ETCp6wy3bLgp4ErMD0MjBYHDpFJbIPe1cvfk2s4NW2BaUkWwAm2najA1P9t7jGJc8-t15Vw3CTrS114zk7F/w260-h400/Flyer+Rough.jpg" width="260" /></a></div><br /> <p></p>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-54861917470063319032020-11-11T16:11:00.002-08:002020-11-11T16:12:37.877-08:00PICTURES I SAVED FROM MY OLD BOX OF NOSTALGIA CRAP<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHu2w765vPMdhLw31cPp14ibFhSLiXXx0AhMkBD9Y-WBgkJW0uRzcaSXx4V_kePU_2btjYFDASgkTNevT3ysclwpCxIXCAO3MaXcogWbZPyREzvHxjO0Ydoh0WDo7tEFLVxiT_v7yYgAWZ/s2048/West+Indian+Manatee.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1375" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHu2w765vPMdhLw31cPp14ibFhSLiXXx0AhMkBD9Y-WBgkJW0uRzcaSXx4V_kePU_2btjYFDASgkTNevT3ysclwpCxIXCAO3MaXcogWbZPyREzvHxjO0Ydoh0WDo7tEFLVxiT_v7yYgAWZ/s320/West+Indian+Manatee.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJrkn13c9LmIEK4CCEJ6-ddiY2hrbAnGpwKHA6SQCEgogsougsD_9HcRPTvPuTaG8nONgZ4HUFqsVhiOsmzFi2UzOsnxdk2Euq-wjyIOc0ulxNuj5xzedGbIJHiSnZEtj3ILrMODQjNnYn/s2048/Mallard.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1401" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJrkn13c9LmIEK4CCEJ6-ddiY2hrbAnGpwKHA6SQCEgogsougsD_9HcRPTvPuTaG8nONgZ4HUFqsVhiOsmzFi2UzOsnxdk2Euq-wjyIOc0ulxNuj5xzedGbIJHiSnZEtj3ILrMODQjNnYn/s320/Mallard.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKikqb0W01lXIVondyEChbv5VvIQr9D8ZTjsbPCzYk82c5cXdnrA0WvDFnKcDSWp7P5HvkogxUswk4-G4-wKhCOi582ZTGd1h_r85r7zCgcbQgjvUExZHvTYeeI4DwClyNGwKJGS5fOqil/s2048/Horseshoe+Crab.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1565" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKikqb0W01lXIVondyEChbv5VvIQr9D8ZTjsbPCzYk82c5cXdnrA0WvDFnKcDSWp7P5HvkogxUswk4-G4-wKhCOi582ZTGd1h_r85r7zCgcbQgjvUExZHvTYeeI4DwClyNGwKJGS5fOqil/s320/Horseshoe+Crab.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoFmBMi3W0hJZj9a1aAve7DSFJqY7_yst9FJzAbVzwW9zSdk-Rskrn_kCpcb6zUryUqC1ReCXVBt0LNt5yhjuY8ZnT2RtSPQq3M24mVMTQi5VrKZuI3cDlBc3uMbSNicvEXnJPVp3eRFcD/s2048/eastern+tiger+salamander.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1759" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoFmBMi3W0hJZj9a1aAve7DSFJqY7_yst9FJzAbVzwW9zSdk-Rskrn_kCpcb6zUryUqC1ReCXVBt0LNt5yhjuY8ZnT2RtSPQq3M24mVMTQi5VrKZuI3cDlBc3uMbSNicvEXnJPVp3eRFcD/s320/eastern+tiger+salamander.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-27970900557637287472020-06-15T01:24:00.003-07:002023-03-24T00:41:14.298-07:00AN INTERVIEW WITH GRANDMIXER GMS ABOUT PACIFIC NORTHWEST RAP IN THE 80'S
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.25in;"><i><span><a href="https://www.mixcloud.com/GrandMixerGMS/" target="_blank">GrandMixer GMS</a> hosts a
show on KFOX's Nightbeat that you can hear <a href="https://www.mixcloud.com/GrandMixerGMS/" target="_blank">here</a>.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span>NODF:
Who is the first Pacific Northwest rapper you remember hearing?</span></b></span></div>
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</span><b><span>GMS:</span></b><span> The first Pacific Northwest rapper I remember hearing,
aside from the people I knew around the neighborhood and in my network of
friends, was Sir Mix-A-Lot. I first heard him on Seattle’s 1250 KFOX. DJ Nasty
Nes played one of his songs on his show, KFOX Fresh Tracks. I believe the song
was called “Why Do The Rappers Lie.” Over time I heard more songs from Sir
Mix-A-Lot, but I also remember the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxFWLQXhHnE" target="_blank">Emerald Street Boys</a> who did the intro for
Fresh Tracks. However, the first Hip-Hop DJ’s I remember hearing were Nasty Nes
(KFOX), Sir Mix-A-Lot (KFOX & mix tapes), Arnell Smith (KTOY – Tacoma),
Reggie Reg Taylor (KTOY), and Spokane’s original mixtape King was a guy named
Skeet (Paul Bradley, Jr.) (R.I.P.). Skeet was a very talented musician and DJ
and I always heard his mixtapes from everyone. I had the honor of working with
him in the late 80s. Sadly, he died in, I believe, the late 90’s while saving
his daughter from drowning.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span>Were
you guys listening to any Bay Area rappers in the 80s?</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">I didn’t really hear any Bay Area rappers
until the mid-80s. The first one I remember hearing was Too Short.
However, I heard many mixes from the Bay Area back then from KSOL and then
KMEL. The DJ mixing was the legendary <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uph3YbXDbnE" target="_blank">Cameron Pau</a>l (R.I.P.). I was very
impressed with the recordings I heard from Bay Area radio. <br />
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</span><b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">How
did you get your music information? Were there any cool record stores or magazines
you remember?</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">I received my music and Hip-Hop info from
any source possible: MTV (back when they showed music videos), though they
didn’t have Yo MTV Raps until much later, but I remember seeing <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A762XcUZG5g" target="_blank">Herbie Hancock perform with Grandmixer D.X.T. (D.S.T.) and that was incredible</a>. Recordings of
other cities' radio stations were a major source of info, and simply word of
mouth from family and friends. There was a really good record store in Spokane
at the time called “Strawberry Jams” and it was by far the best record store in
Spokane at the time! They had every Hip-Hop record back then, including records
I had never heard – I spent all my allowance money on records there! I don’t
remember any magazines in the early days, but eventually came The Source, Vibe,
and the lesser known The Bomb (from the Bay Area), and Canada’s PROP$ Magazine.<br />
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</span><b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">What
makes Pacific Northwest rap unique?</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">I think what may make it unique is its
distance and semi-seclusion from the other major cities, which allowed many
different genres to influence the style of music. The early music, at least
from Sir Mix-A-Lot, was heavily influenced by early electro. Some people
described Mix-A-Lot as a blend between Newcleus and Egyptian Lover. Then, you
had a group of people who were huge fans of East Coast music, so their sound
seemed to be an adaptation of that style of Hip-Hop.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">What equipment did you start DJing with?</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;"></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">The equipment I started out with was a
make-shift set up of standard home and portable stereo equipment. I bought
turntables from yard sales that I would modify. Some would skip, so I made some
adjustments to where they were nearly impossible to make skip; I modified “line
switches” with tape so I could just press a button instead of moving a fader
(similar to the “Flash Former” that came out years later, which I eventually
bought); I bought an echo chamber and a mixer from Radio Shack, I bought
another mixer from a pawnshop. My step-brother, Stevie, had a portable radio
(boombox) that was perfect for doing “pause” mixes. My boombox also had a
keyboard on it. So all of my early mixes were made from this type of equipment.<br />
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</span><b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">How
did Nasty Nes discover Sir Mix A Lot?</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">As far as I know – and Nes would be the
better authority on this – but Nes was the radio “jock” and Mix was the “street
jock” (quoting what Mix-A-Lot told me years ago), and they actually didn’t like
each other. Eventually, they decided to hook up (probably not the correct term
to use now, but back then that’s how we would say people decided to work
together), and Nes started playing Mix-A-Lot on his radio show. I also remember
something about Ed Locke convincing Nes to go with him to a place where
Mix-A-Lot was performing, and I think Nes initially resisted but reluctantly
agreed – good thing he did! Ultimately, the three of them formed NastyMix Records
(the name was taken from “Nasty” Nes and Sir “Mix”-A-Lot), and that was the
label that launched Mix-A-Lot’s career. Again, Nes can provide more complete
info on this subject. I also know that they went to the same high school, but I
don’t think they really knew each other then.<br />
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</b></span><b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
Why do you think Portland never really developed a rap scene?</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">Portland actually had a good Hip-Hop scene.
The first rap artist from Portland that I remember was<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5O-au-g2T4" target="_blank"> DJ Vitamix</a>. Vitamix
recently pointed out to me that he was the first white rapper ever signed to a
major record label. I’m not sure why his music never blew up. It was really
good music. I used to mix his records back then and people would always ask me
who it was. Portland had a radio station called KBOO that played mixes. Not
Hip-Hop – but influential, nonetheless – was the group Nu Shooz (“<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJ1tBVtYOBc" target="_blank">I Can’t Wait</a>”). The later artists I remember coming out of Portland were Cool Nutz and
another guy named <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqqgZB9RTBI" target="_blank">Bosko</a> (E-40 producer and inventor of the </span><a href="https://www.electrospit.com/" target="_blank"><span color="windowtext" style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">ElectroSpit</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;"><a href="https://www.electrospit.com/" target="_blank"> ESX-1 mobilephone-enabled talk box</a>). (<i>Whoa, Bosko's
from Portland? -ed.) </i>There are several very talented Portland-based rappers
out now. One thing I noticed was the Portland scene seemed to be a bit more
unification and the idea of simply creating good music, whereas in other parts
of the PNW back in the 80’s and 90’s there was a lot of back-biting and smack
talk (not with everyone, but with some of the artists). Of course, I wasn’t
from Portland and have limited experience with that scene, but that’s what it
seemed like back then.<br />
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</span><b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">Who
is an unsung hero of PNW rap?</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">Who is an unsung here of PNW rap? Overall,
I would say DJ Nasty Nes. While he is not a rapper, his efforts and connections
in the music industry outside of Seattle played a big part in the career of Sir
Mix-A-Lot. But if you’re asking about rappers or maybe rappers who were
underrated and not-so-well-known, I would say either <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90ucmKAfOhs" target="_blank">EDawg</a> or <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F48Ajmwf8WM" target="_blank">Wojack</a> (formerly
MC Deff from Criminal Nation). They were/are incredibly talented and original,
but they didn’t achieve the ultimate success I think they should have. This is
not to take away what they were able to accomplish, but I think they should
have went multi-platinum. Personally, I think they still could.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">Where did you see you first rap show and what was it?</span></b><b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;"><br />
Aside from the rappers I had seen at early breakdancing competitions, the first
major rap concert I attended was the Spring Rap Fest in Seattle in 1987. Sir
Mix-A-Lot opened the show, followed by Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, Kool
Moe D, and then the 2 Live Crew (Grandmaster Flash was supposed to perform, but
for whatever reason he didn’t). Nasty Nes was the host and this was the first
time I actually saw him in person. This show had a major impact on me as a DJ because
watching DJ Jazzy Jeff (and Mr. Mixx) showed me how at that time I was
nowhere near the level I should be as a DJ, but it was inspiring because it
caused me to go home and practice! They were absolutely incredible on
turntables and I am so thankful I was able to attend the show! Also, being able
to see all of those artists perform was quite a treat because they were all
great showmen, in their own right.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">>>> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 115%;">Don't forget to
check out <a href="https://www.mixcloud.com/GrandMixerGMS/" target="_blank">Grandmixer GMS's show</a> on DJ Nasty Nes' own Nightbeat, on <a href="https://www.rainieravenueradio.world/" target="_blank">Rainier Avenue Radio</a>. </span></i></span></div>
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</font></style>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-20589787413962573862019-05-26T16:24:00.002-07:002020-02-01T06:02:57.452-08:00GOOD FOR THE GOOSE<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Sorry for the bombardment of content as of late. Whether
it's via my blog, <a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dial-b-for-birder/id1421557052" target="_blank" style="font-weight: bold;">my juggernaut podcast with Thomas</a> or <a href="https://www.instagram.com/boringhatofthemonth/" target="_blank" style="font-weight: bold;">my regularly updated instagram account</a>, I can't seem to stop sharing. But hey--that's what
the internet's for, right? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Here's what's new in my twisted world: </span><br>
<br>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I've been having a reoccurring
(two times) nightmare about a mutant seal with no head. It can't do anything but thrash and flop, but still it terrifies me with its tortured desperation. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's dark in this brain of mine, readers. Lynchian, almost. (<i>Brotha </i>Lynchian.) But when
I share it with you, it takes a little bit of the darkness away, because now
you have to deal with it, too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Fortunately, my thoughts aren't all bad. Listen to this idea
I had for an ashtray. It's just a regular ashtray, but along the side it says: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"I'm dead without my coughing in the morning." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That's pretty funny, right? If you know anything about
ceramics, hit me up.</span></div>
Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-80011726408432059742019-04-12T12:28:00.002-07:002019-04-12T12:30:54.783-07:00IS THIS POEM BAD OR GREAT? <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">i feel hesitance</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">for the present tense</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">the past passed past</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">too fast</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">and the future</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">is a computer</span>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-81941930551711193162019-03-28T11:28:00.000-07:002019-04-12T12:36:56.618-07:00DIAL B FOR BIRDER, EPISODE 7<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You know how if you're really bad at hunting, you can go to
one of those places where they just push a captive, tranquilized deer through a
gate, right where your gun is aimed, and all you have to do is pull the trigger?
You might've seen a King of the Hill episode about it once. Going to one of those
places is the hunting equivilent of getting a hooker: it's frowned upon by the non-desperate,
but sometimes you get so tired of nothing that your lust conquers your pride
and you do it anyway. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For episode 7 of DIAL B FOR BIRDER, Thomas and I decided to do
the birding equivilent of that: we went birding at the bird store. The store
was YOUR BASIC BIRD, in the Elmwood neighborhood of Berkeley, CA, and sure
enough there were a ton of birds there. Red birds, green birds, white birds--the
list could go on an on. They were all in cages, but that doesn't mean we didn't
see em. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Satisfied, but somewhat guilty, we then decided to take a
stroll around the serene, romantic Berkeley Marina...but I'm not going to tell
you what we saw there, because I, like birds, am coy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Photos after the jump. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip3Krn4hI9UAstT6HIMTwo1XhOO-zU85b3hLfN0o6BGNDLvXJ4znQifc9gLN11HR8_cfrYgRfz8HY7gxk2MrFfN0nAxqI4vBGdZ64ZYq_KLdVUD6ntHchcGUekOh3FR4SbAzQv459qbYSU/s1600/1-having+coffee+at+a+place+in+berkeley.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip3Krn4hI9UAstT6HIMTwo1XhOO-zU85b3hLfN0o6BGNDLvXJ4znQifc9gLN11HR8_cfrYgRfz8HY7gxk2MrFfN0nAxqI4vBGdZ64ZYq_KLdVUD6ntHchcGUekOh3FR4SbAzQv459qbYSU/s320/1-having+coffee+at+a+place+in+berkeley.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pregaming at a coffee place in Bekeley</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFmEmWqrfQM_9dJeEhxTOqU3lOsOA_nAOvjOXy9fK0reO0JGkuCgkWAkjjN_UZgfE3uq5v464UHFk1NGHvalenNlER9uT91dha1ZHLdKod6gU4gBLBLKzgWQdm_NoiY3KBFDypYH4Lx_lI/s1600/2-+a+basic+bird.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFmEmWqrfQM_9dJeEhxTOqU3lOsOA_nAOvjOXy9fK0reO0JGkuCgkWAkjjN_UZgfE3uq5v464UHFk1NGHvalenNlER9uT91dha1ZHLdKod6gU4gBLBLKzgWQdm_NoiY3KBFDypYH4Lx_lI/s320/2-+a+basic+bird.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Basic Bird</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the type of bird my sister had!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The finger warning that triggered me</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A parrot without a pirate</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What the fuck?! Those aren't birds.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">THESE are birds.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The majestic Marina</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Trashy bathroom graffiti</td></tr>
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Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-3960880259671497382019-03-19T00:00:00.000-07:002019-03-19T09:48:27.875-07:00"RAP MUSIC THAT I LIKE A LOT RIGHT NOW THAT JESSE WILL FEEL INDIFFERENT TOWARDS, PT. 3" BY THOMAS<div style="box-sizing: inherit; font-family: Arial, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Oh hi! How are things? I have a bunch of music to share with you, so let's get to it:</span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">93 Feet of Smoke </span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Oh man, I am VERY excited to talk about this guy! Easily one of my top 5 favorite artists out right now. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This is the first song I ever heard by him and also a good jumping off point to see how much his music has evolved. The beat features a simple guitar loop over percussion that sounds like it's collapsing in on itself, but the real winner is the vocal effects, which sound completely bonkers. It sounds like he is buried in a coffin and yelling from a megaphone while also being waterboarded. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">My first impression of this song was "wow, bad mixing and mastering", but something about this one really gets under my skin, especially the bass guitar plucking @ around the 1:30 mark. What gets me is how the song builds from a simple guitar melody to a wall of noise and I LOVE how expressive his voice is, going from melancholy crooning to distorted screams. 93 has a level of musicality that is 10 steps above your average SoundCloud rapper with crushing drug problems. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Wow I just realized there are like 6 more songs by this guy that I want to share, but let me just end it with this one for now. This is from his latest EP and the atmosphere of this beat is INSANE. If feels like you are bearing witness to the world ending in a very dramatic fashion. I also now know how to properly pronounce "Foyer", which is a big plus. All of his songs are about being a miserable piece of shit drug addict, so I really hope he is doing OK IRL.</span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Lil Narnia</b> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Lil Narnia is the answer to the question "how emo can emo rap go?" Turns out, very emo!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Oh man this song is an odd one and took me a long time to wrap my head around. The beat sounds like a downed power line; all jagged hi-hats with almost no low end. Listen for the bass in the beat, it's barely there! The guitars are dope, it sounds like a Deftones B-side that early 2000s teens would cry to. The fact that Lil Narnia looks like a craft beer and weed aficionado but has a high pitched emo voice will probably be the thing that sticks with most people and I too was definitely like 😮 when I first saw this. Major props to you if you can understand more than 20% of the lyrics. Embrace the unintelligibility as part of the aesthetic. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The beat feels like an angel is playing a harp with a drum machine in the clouds for you (I am trying to avoid using the word "ethereal" lol). The chorus of this song is great: "thought we were humans/ but I was wrong/ things in pain is all we are" 😢 </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I get a strong New Wave/Post-punk vibe from this song and love how the drums don't come in until the 1:58 mark. Am I veering too far away from rap music at this point? As a former big time metalhead it was always a constant point of contention on the internet about what subgenre a particular artist fell under. Like there would be real human beings who liked death metal, but not black metal and vice versa and they would get in long-winded internet arguments about how their favorite bands should be classified. It feels like this is something people are taking less and less seriously these days and the idea of aligning your personal brand with one particular subgenre of music seems preposterous in 2019. Artists freely meld together whatever music they want nowadays and we are better off because of it. I feel kind of sorry for all the Punk Dads out there still stuck listening to the same 3 albums by the Vandals or whatever 😕</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Let's finish with your regular reminder that Bladee is still the greatest rapper out of this niche of music. Again, the atmosphere is key; the downtrodden beat matches Bladee's emotionless autotuned voice perfectly. An essential track for all of the <a href="https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Doomer" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" style="box-sizing: inherit;" target="_blank">Doomers</a> out there. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">OK I have many more songs to share with you, but I will save it for next time! Thank you for reading, friends. Have a nice time out there and stay safe 😊</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Thomas is a blogger, birder and sad music enthusiast living in Oakland, CA. </i></span></div>
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Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-81950508279612726682019-03-11T12:00:00.001-07:002019-03-13T23:33:36.824-07:00DIAL B FOR BIRDER, EPISODE 6<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yeah yeah yeah....hiatus sorry long time do better. What you have to understand, fans, is that it is VERY, VERY COLD in my house. (If you think I can put off blogging or uploading a podcast for a long time, you should see how long I can put off insulating a floor. Especially when it's cold.) My feet are cold and my computer is cold and my typing fingers are cold, and that's my excuse.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For this episode of the podcast--"episode 6"--Thomas and I went to an east bay birding location selected by Thomas: "Martin Luther King Jr. Regional Shoreline." The whole 10 minute drive over, Thomas was going on and on about how dope it was gonna be, and how many birds he'd heard were there. "It will be like nothing you've ever seen before," he said at one point. The episode before this one, if you can remember that far back, was the "zero birds, and I get poison oak" episode, so I was really hoping we'd knock it out of the park this time, to get things back on track. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Did we knock it out of the park? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Will Thomas and I be podcasting more frequently in the future? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Will there be photos from our expedition after the jump?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Listen right here, or on <a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/dial-b-for-birder/id1421557052?mt=2">iTunes</a> or <a href="https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/no-one-dies-forever-inc/dial-b-for-birder">Stitcher</a>, to find out! Expedition photos after the jump. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Coot and friend.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Staccato Birds"</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">2 Cool Cars</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just A Cool Landscape Shot...In Portrait Mode</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Where's My Birds? There's My Birds!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pointing At The Disgusting Litter</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje4YJ3LrQhPaaweB_xJqVfCz7M2GD0i6VAihdlE-NDgG9DETuu_x_jEZw_log2JvOo59BdAIOMZhyp5uE1lbYTc9g0PcrHIuX7gbZyOI3ACjFO8amdVJycDSi8nmY_2k0MfR1U7GKU03j0/s1600/Marsh+friends.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje4YJ3LrQhPaaweB_xJqVfCz7M2GD0i6VAihdlE-NDgG9DETuu_x_jEZw_log2JvOo59BdAIOMZhyp5uE1lbYTc9g0PcrHIuX7gbZyOI3ACjFO8amdVJycDSi8nmY_2k0MfR1U7GKU03j0/s320/Marsh+friends.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Marsh Pals</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Geese</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Big Bird</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Action Shot!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cold Egrets</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Scary Birds</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Ugly Sculpture</td></tr>
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<br />Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-70797785846676922642019-01-17T20:56:00.001-08:002019-02-01T13:12:56.294-08:00I GOT MY QUIZ RESULTS BACK, AND THEY DON'T LOOK GOOD<div class="MsoNormal">
I took the "What Passion Of The Christ Character Are You?"
quiz and got "Booing Villager."</div>
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I took the "What Cuss Word Are You?" quiz and got
"Bitch-ass." </div>
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I took the "What Type Of Friend Are You?" quiz and
got "Fat."<span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span></div>
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I took the "What's Your Type?" quiz and
got <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">italic</i>.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></div>
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I took the "<a href="https://action.audubon.org/quiz/what-kind-owl-are-you" target="_blank">What Kind Of Owl Are You?</a>" quiz and
got "Spotted." <br>
I took the "What Comic Strip Character Are You?" quiz and got fuckin' <b><i>CATHY</i></b>!!!! Shit!!!!!!!!!!</div>
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</style>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-36268383155588170202019-01-16T13:55:00.000-08:002019-04-12T12:47:20.962-07:00Book Review: THE PURE AND THE IMPURE by Colette<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This book review was really boring, so I deleted it, but the comments are funny. </span>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-3425567987771550732018-10-12T15:21:00.000-07:002018-10-12T15:22:26.911-07:00DIAL B FOR BIRDER, EPISODE 5<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">Available on <a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/dial-b-for-birder/id1421557052?mt=2" target="_blank">iTunes</a>, <a href="https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/no-one-dies-forever-inc/dial-b-for-birder" target="_blank">Stitcher</a>, <a href="https://soundcloud.com/dialbforbirder" target="_blank">Soundcloud</a> and <a href="https://audiomack.com/song/tessewolfson/dial-b-for-birder-episode-3" target="_blank">Audiomack</a>.</span><br />
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<iframe frameborder="0" height="252" scrollbars="no" scrolling="no" src="https://audiomack.com/embed/song/tessewolfson/dbfbepisode5?background=1" width="100%"></iframe>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Lucky Cat</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Homeless Person's House</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thomas (Kelso) and I (Decaf)'s Tags</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Cool Bridge</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See if you can spot a bird here! We couldnt.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me pointing at something bird-shaped.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thomas, acting.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Mighty Sausal Creek</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Tunnel</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Croc O' Child</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxCZzyNI-mCgpWmDMJc6j3rFjuuvN0EIuL7YFtG1BzP5NSfhyKC6CsWAzFOUx1f-U8A_LrQXut9H9SGAG09oXDn4FXzjAaAFJYVbEVTJt1K7C35u4M4_-AaZbPcNaT-iWWQ9xj20CPZ3gU/s1600/11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxCZzyNI-mCgpWmDMJc6j3rFjuuvN0EIuL7YFtG1BzP5NSfhyKC6CsWAzFOUx1f-U8A_LrQXut9H9SGAG09oXDn4FXzjAaAFJYVbEVTJt1K7C35u4M4_-AaZbPcNaT-iWWQ9xj20CPZ3gU/s320/11.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thomas taking a pretentious photograph</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some signs we found.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyb7dssRlnE1FwouHIY1XJd8cy-X-2T2Ku950aakDB2_t-3jgon7ukl_sIbPtdwrBmsvVSx76r9ZEcM48UDx2Z_S6EhNmDUBElKwPihmYh7g_I-fl7WqJtBUu57nHw-L0lF6_a47pQ4mBu/s1600/13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1149" data-original-width="1600" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyb7dssRlnE1FwouHIY1XJd8cy-X-2T2Ku950aakDB2_t-3jgon7ukl_sIbPtdwrBmsvVSx76r9ZEcM48UDx2Z_S6EhNmDUBElKwPihmYh7g_I-fl7WqJtBUu57nHw-L0lF6_a47pQ4mBu/s320/13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All about poison oak.</td></tr>
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<br />Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-78159595633506211092018-09-11T12:35:00.000-07:002019-07-18T10:04:22.513-07:00BOOK REVIEW: BEHIND THE PAINT by Violent J and Hobey Echlin <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFnnz8uxmmhKXDLIgyqrrmS4xay6jR-hOz8P6QD6h8UCqJjxiddxfGeAolnz6Iz5HUKOW8zKG7hcATVMrYJOFwPEOP86bYFkN79mkNK0j2Z-iT7x24puu1-MfzQPXgdIsMJI1eqsrkNrDq/s1600/41%252B308SaIIL._SX261_BO1%252C204%252C203%252C200_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="263" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFnnz8uxmmhKXDLIgyqrrmS4xay6jR-hOz8P6QD6h8UCqJjxiddxfGeAolnz6Iz5HUKOW8zKG7hcATVMrYJOFwPEOP86bYFkN79mkNK0j2Z-iT7x24puu1-MfzQPXgdIsMJI1eqsrkNrDq/s320/41%252B308SaIIL._SX261_BO1%252C204%252C203%252C200_.jpg" width="210" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Do YOU know how magnets work, shithead? That's how I feel
about people who make fun of Insane Clown Posse. Like bros, vegans and DJ's, ICP has become a go-to target for people for unfunny people who think they're funny.
Even <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIhxM3AufYA" target="_blank">Troma movies</a> make fun of them, and
Troma fans (pointing at myself) are some of the most contrarian, unfuckable
people on the planet.<br /><br />I don't listen to ICP (except <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I9h4RafyAg" target="_blank">Chicken Huntin'</a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jb1auNPDNr0" target="_blank">I Want My Shit</a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=li41YprNlsk" target="_blank">Thy Unveiling</a>, and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhTg_5nlvo8" target="_blank">The Neden Game</a>. And <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niwh-ott1jM" target="_blank">Bitches</a>) but I often find myself drunkenly
defending them to people at bonfires. <i>Their
music might be grating, and they might make too many sex puns, but at the end
of the day ICP is funnier and more interesting than 95% of the people making
fun of them--and they have better taste in music, too</i> is the gist of
my arguement. It's rare for me to take the "anti-hater" position like
that, but for some reason I always felt strongly about it. This autobiography, given to
me by <a href="http://nyquil510.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Nyquil</a> after he lost my copy of <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25930802-sweet-jones" target="_blank">SWEET JONES: PIMP C'S TRILL LIFE STORY</a>, proves that these feelings are valid. <br /><br />Raised on the sultry nocturnal sounds of Esham, Sir Mix-A-Lot,
Geto Boys and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eBZ-h1884g" target="_blank">Awesome Dre</a>, The Insane Clowns are wiggers of the most endearing
sort. They're wiggers from a time before the internet, when kids were beat up
and socially alienated for being wiggers. It was a lot harder to copy black
culture then. You couldn't just buy a Cam'ron shower curtain and start saying
lit. As an unpopular person and obscure regional rap afficionado myself, I
found this "early years" section of this book--usually the most
tedious part of an autobiography--to be fascinating.<br /><br />One problem with the book, which I'm remembering as this
review gets longer and longer, is that it's too long. If you include the
annotated discography, and the "what Psychopathic records means to
me" section at the end (by everyone on the Psychopathic records roster), it's
596 pages. I suspect that the book wasn't "written" so much as
dictated by Violent J, while he was high, and this technique makes for hilarious
reading <i>("I was like, 'Whoa, this is
the shit! Slash likes my song! The chick he fucks likes it, too.'"</i>) but
600 pages of reminiscince is a lot from any man. If I was the editor, I'd probably cut some
of the wrestling stuff. And give it a better cover.<br /><br />Ratings-wise, I have no choice but to give this 1/1 stars. BEHIND
THE PAINT was funny, inspirational and full of rap gossip, and how much more
can you demand from a book? You want it to have a neden?<br /><br /><b>FINAL SCORE</b>: 1/1 <b><br />COVER</b>: 0/1 </span></span></div>
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</font></span></style>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-21407243791757918392018-08-08T04:18:00.000-07:002019-01-15T13:47:26.595-08:00NEWS<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">-<a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/dial-b-for-birder/id1421557052?mt=2" target="_blank">DIAL B FOR BIRDER is on iTunes now,</a> and <a href="https://soundcloud.com/dialbforbirder" target="_blank">also SoundCloud</a> and <a href="https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/no-one-dies-forever-inc/dial-b-for-birder?refid=stpr" target="_blank">"Stitcher</a>." Tell your friends, if you ever make any. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">-In case you're not savvy enough to know yet, the <a href="http://nyquil510.tumblr.com/">Nyquil510.tumblr.com</a> comment section is home to one of the most vibrant fan communities online. <br />- <a href="http://twitter.com/100konmywrist" target="_blank">Follow Thomas on twitter</a>.</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> <br />-<a href="http://sorrytobotheryou.movie/" target="_blank">Sorry To Bother</a><a href="http://sorrytobotheryou.movie/" target="_blank"> You</a> is dope, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Critical-Beatdown-Byron-Crawford-ebook/dp/B07DPX9BWY" target="_blank">the new Byron Crawford book is dope</a>, and the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SS45pf94lxM&t=" target="_blank">new episode of Tarantula</a> is dope. Music is still mostly bad. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">-This <a href="https://corvidresearch.blog/2018/07/16/putting-the-crow-in-necrophilia/" target="_blank">crazy crow lady's blog post about crow necrophilia</a> has gotten a lot of attention lately. How can I get a picture of a crow doing something even <i>more</i> fucked up? Sound off in the comments... </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">-Speaking of hot news stories, I've been running into a lot of news coverage of these so-called "bird scooters" recently. Are you guys up on this? I'm not. I've heard of the <a href="https://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Surf_Scoter/id" target="_blank">bird Scoter</a> before, but this sounds different. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">-According to <a href="https://newrepublic.com/article/145476/donald-trump-bird-killer" target="_blank">an article in The New Republic</a> that came out last year, white people living in rural areas of the South make up the highest percentage of birdwatchers in America. Yeah--too bad they're watching em through the scopes of their AK-47s.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">-You know, I've been thinking about it, and maybe Ben Franklin was right: Maybe the bald eagle shouldn't be America's National Bird. Maybe America's National Bird should change, based on who the president is. For Lincoln, it it's an owl. For LBJ, it's a rooster. And for Donald Trump? <i>Scrooge McDuck. </i>(<b>UPDATE: </b>Shit, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjsXAH76P-Y" target="_blank">Penn Jillette beat me to this comparison</a>.) Maybe a <i>cuckoo bird</i>.</span></span>Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-36004591106438819372018-08-06T12:00:00.000-07:002019-03-20T13:02:51.822-07:00CELEBRITY GUEST POST: "RAP MUSIC THAT I LIKE A LOT RIGHT NOW THAT JESSE WILL FEEL INDIFFERENT TOWARDS PT. 2" BY THOMAS<div style="text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ok hello again! What's new with you? </span></span><br />
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<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/GaDUvb3za9E" width="560"></iframe>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaDUvb3za9E" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><br /></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ok
so you are going to hate this and I think I hate this too, but it's
super interesting and worth talking about! The song starts out with a
solid verse from our friend Wicca Phase Springs Eternal and then it
hits: probably the weirdest delivery I have ever heard. It sounds like this
guy is actively crying and also cannot touch his lips together. This got
me thinking about how people make music today and its effect on the
music that is created. Can you imagine if this guy existed in the 90s?
Chances are he would never record music and if he wanted to he'd have to
rent studio time and there would be an engineer or producer of some
type there that would tell him "No! Stop doing that with your voice!
That's bad!" But instead this guy can just do weird stuff with his voice
in his room on his laptop and release it to the world. The result is A
LOT more music out there and a lot of it is boring or bad, but there is a
greater opportunity now for truly unique and different sounds to
emerge. The internet is pretty rad IMO.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="background-color: white; display: inline; float: none; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial;"><br />Drippin So Pretty</span></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="background-color: white; display: inline; float: none; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial;"><br /></span></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; display: inline; float: none; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial;"><span style="display: inline; float: none; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial;">Drippin So Pretty </span></span>is
a new to me rapper that writes songs almost exclusively about being in
love and shooting heroin (take a min to process that please). </span></span><br />
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<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/b3GlLCqcp3w" width="560"></iframe>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />SHORT
SONGS ARE DOPE. This beat is really insane, there is so much going on
here. When the bass drops at :25 it's so good! When I first heard this
song I got super stoked on it and emailed it to Jesse and he replied by
saying he "hopped off the rap train at mumble station", which made me
think he might secretly be 48 years old. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I
can't quite figure out what he is saying for the hook, either "I don't
fuck with lil shorty, she ain't right for me" or "I don't fuck with lil
shorty, she don't ride for me." The more I listen to it the more I think
it's the latter, but I'm going to go with the former because it makes
the song 100X more endearing. </span></span>
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<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/1YyplAt1JMU" width="560"></iframe>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">SHORT
SONGS. SHORT SONGS. SHORT SONGS. I legit get upset when I see songs
within this genre that are like 3:30 plus. Real rude of the artist to
assume a high-powered businessman such as myself has that kind of time
to waste.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Controversial
opinion: I like the cheesy tire screech sound effect in this song.
Anyways, I like the melody and soul in this song. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><br />Section Where I Talk About Bladee A Lot </b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I've already written extensively about Bladee and he is probably my favorite artist active right now. <a href="http://www.noonediesforever.com/2017/10/celebrity-guest-post-bladee-is-my-new.html" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Since the last time I wrote about him in Fall of 2017</a>
he's released a ton of great music. It's actually pretty crazy how
prolific he has become in the last couple years. It seems like random
new songs of his are constantly dropping on top of random albums and
mixtapes that seem to come out of nowhere. Heck, he even <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DJKVu8oA8s" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank">dropped a Christmas song last December that contained an A+ catchy hook</a>. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ok so new songs:</span></span></div>
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<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/TxE9EIrKbOg" width="560"></iframe>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />My
Lord this beat is amazing. Bladee just sort of floats over this beat
with his melodic voice getting chopped up by the autotune.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This song also produced one of the most endearing YouTube comments I've seen in a while:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Haha I just want to give that guy a hug and scruff up his hair. <br /><br />Bladee came out with a new album recently and I like it a lot! It is not on the same level as <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLGeJR8ZOrTZdMuBWM9IYta6IoHKku0nH4" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Eversince, which is probably my favorite rap album of the last 5 years</a>,
but it is a very engaging listen. Once again, the production drives
things, with beats that don't sound like anything else out there. </span></span><br />
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<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/CbUEZFgCEiY" width="560"></iframe>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />The
production of this song is so warm and soft, it feels like my ears are
getting a big hug. Also this beat is so layered, I keep picking up on
different elements, like the subtle guitar strumming that comes in @
:56. There's a lot of song here in around two and a half minutes. I
appreciate that Bladee utilizes his autotune to do something interesting
for the chorus. For most of his songs the autotune sounds like it is
just there to distance him from real life, because I think he legit has a
good singing voice. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /><iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/k2PUV3KwIgY" width="560"></iframe> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />This
is the "lead single" off the latest album and it took me a while to get
into, maybe because I was distracted by the music video? I highly
recommend people listen to songs for the first time without the visuals,
to get an actual opinion of the music before watching the video. There
is nothing worse than sending a video of a song to your friend and they
come back at you with "wow, what a silly hat he has on!" Or maybe I
should just accept the importance of visual aesthetics in music and how
they are forever intertwined. IDK. </span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />Hella Sketchy</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Jesse has accused me of only liking depressing rap and he is only 90% correct. Here is part of the 10%:<br /><br />
<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/NeeqoGkSFjI" width="560"></iframe>
<br /><br />IMPORTANT
WARNING: don't watch this music video! Forget everything I wrote above
and don't let your eyeballs taint this song. Hella Sketchy is a rapper
that makes extremely light and catchy rap songs. He also looks like a 15
year old kid that I instinctively want to stuff in a locker. But dang
this song is so catchy!!! Also it is that rare breed of song that is
super poppy, but does not wear thin immediately. I have been listening
to this song for over a year and still think it is tight. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /><br />Don't
watch this music video either! It is chopped up clips from the "Spent a
Check" music video. This beat is great though. I was talking to Jesse
in person about this one, trying to figure out what the production
sounds like. I think we settled on a Nintendo tropical paradise. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><br />More Lil Peep</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you remember <a href="http://www.noonediesforever.com/2018/07/rap-music-that-i-like-lot-right-now.html" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank">last post</a>
where I was talking about how Lil Peep released so much music before
his death and I'm amazed how I keep discovering new songs of his? Well
just since writing that last post I have discovered two more songs that I
absolutely love:</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /><br />
<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/cQernVf6388" width="560"></iframe>
<br /><br />The
vibe of this song is so sick. It sounds like I am listening to
something real important. I feel bad for the feature, because this beat
is huge and Peep always layered the shit out of his vocals, so Wulf's
verse sounds oh so meak. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL7CuhLDErQ" rel="noreferrer nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Hellboy is such an interesting album</a>
and I have come to really enjoy it after being initially turned off by
some of its cringey moments. Peep's angst is going to sound bad to some
listeners, but there is a lot of interesting moments, and wonderful
expressions of his emerging pop sensibility. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />
<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/fudsUhWAG_o" width="560"></iframe>
<br /><br />Hey speaking of pop sensibility, this song is super catchy! Very enjoyable 2 minute <span style="background-color: white; display: inline; float: none; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial;">plus </span>track
that always leaves me in a good mood. I have a lot to say about the
feature, Yung Bruh/Lil Tracy, but we'll save that for next post. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; display: inline; float: none; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial;">Ok that's all for now. Remember, you get what you give in this life, so don't walk around being a selfish shithead.</span><span style="text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial;"><span style="display: inline; float: none; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial;"> <br /><br />Life can be a beautiful thing if you let it be. </span></span></span></span></div>
Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-493384139198009267.post-79347976344273409992018-08-01T12:03:00.001-07:002018-08-06T16:27:35.124-07:00DIAL B FOR BIRDER, EPISODE 4<span style="font-size: large;">Hi fans, hope you're having an ecstatic, passion-filled summer. I don't know about you, but for me, summer is one of the very best seasons we have, after fall (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ut__QUsopU&list=PLnhIvAFscIQAeXodJ65MJkiVeHPgavSGj&index=13&t=0s" target="_blank">school supplies</a>!), winter (candy canes!) and possibly spring (daylight savings time! Plus everyone's favorite holiday, May Day). Sometimes, though, it's important to take a break from all the hot summer action, and take the bus to work while you listen to a podcast. It can be hard sometimes, because there are only 6 good podcasts (<a href="https://www.earwolf.com/show/hollywood-handbook/" target="_blank">Hollywood Handbook</a>, <a href="http://www.greatdebates69.podbean.com/" target="_blank">The Great Debates</a>, <a href="http://pushermania.com/" target="_blank">Pushermania's Playlist</a>, <a href="https://www.kcrw.com/news-culture/shows/bookworm" target="_blank">Bookworm with Michael Silverblatt</a>, <a href="https://somanyshrimp.com/" target="_blank">So Many Shrimp Radio</a> and this one...and <a href="http://www.maximumfun.org/shows/bullseye" target="_blank">some Jesse Thorn stuff, if the interviewee isn't an actor or comedian</a>), and most of them have erractic release schedules. This podcast is one of those. But today, at least, your thirst will be quenched. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">For this episode, Thomas and I went to "The Point" in Stinson Beach, CA (you might remember it from an old, since-deleted blog post I wrote called "BIRDERS AT THE POINT"), to look for a Bald Eagle family that recently moved into town. Then we went to Audubon Canyon Ranch, off of Highway 1, to splash around in the newt pond. </span><br />
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<iframe frameborder="0" height="252" scrollbars="no" scrolling="no" src="https://audiomack.com/embed/song/tessewolfson/dbfb-episode-4-final-hopefully?background=1" width="100%"></iframe><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Photos, videos, and other relevant bird media---including Thomas' scary Shoebill Stork video--after the jump. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Point</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gulls And A Fishing Boat</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me Looking Through A Scope With My Shirt On</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Handsome Duck We Were Unable To Identify</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Original Mascot Of The New Orleans Pelicans</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How To Tell The Difference Between A Great Egret And A Snowy Egret</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Caspian Tern</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Ghost Bird" From GHOST DOG 2: GHOST BIRD</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lagoon Party</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_wEMqthEWx_hNBUSB54WLr73xictjTiNmn24H-DFYIqhgr-qH-esEYCuZLFHgzqim8tWTmsd6i9OIkWBzFTOhOGo-v3EjexaCo3mMvLcrJl0eDjcKUNiK71SkYsvQ_uFK0TME9Gt1WfVn/s1600/2-+Shirtless+Birding.jpg" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_wEMqthEWx_hNBUSB54WLr73xictjTiNmn24H-DFYIqhgr-qH-esEYCuZLFHgzqim8tWTmsd6i9OIkWBzFTOhOGo-v3EjexaCo3mMvLcrJl0eDjcKUNiK71SkYsvQ_uFK0TME9Gt1WfVn/s320/2-+Shirtless+Birding.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me Looking Through A Scope With My Shirt Off</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj1sY479FVHqx19_uv5o9JUczaMr-s7NZOAn4iNZaja4KPgaTFN1SItYDZ3Ds8CFNCFRBuB1WnkAoosmaBHU8CivtkGGMbwDP9gTJ2YTGBlbST4Q2GMVAfLzTwUGTaCVJ_S-3JM99ADdxe/s1600/4+-+Newt+Catching.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj1sY479FVHqx19_uv5o9JUczaMr-s7NZOAn4iNZaja4KPgaTFN1SItYDZ3Ds8CFNCFRBuB1WnkAoosmaBHU8CivtkGGMbwDP9gTJ2YTGBlbST4Q2GMVAfLzTwUGTaCVJ_S-3JM99ADdxe/s320/4+-+Newt+Catching.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Catching Newts At The Pond</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMZ11VSmk-LZlQF-RUkbWbzYOjsvdLoRONYoKcwbCmJ4NI-_4cqPGSyU1cJfp6KQNMW7FOc5WVF-H2xmLCReViOMaEc6ETiNHjYbup-TeDi1VxqnJPNfjIVsG46uPzO4i65d4f_Ufwd7H5/s1600/4+-+Newts+In+A+Tub.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMZ11VSmk-LZlQF-RUkbWbzYOjsvdLoRONYoKcwbCmJ4NI-_4cqPGSyU1cJfp6KQNMW7FOc5WVF-H2xmLCReViOMaEc6ETiNHjYbup-TeDi1VxqnJPNfjIVsG46uPzO4i65d4f_Ufwd7H5/s320/4+-+Newts+In+A+Tub.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Newts In A Tub</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzAbVzIRBscDFyKxoC3d6ZAc891vPqZcF_CIoav5i0lb7bhfvjyvQ8xWBc4rDDjfo81_-auKqVPDWnEhMKBACOcMuAlGv8-Dvb3dW8tlHD6vZK8UP8Qnf6LGTpyl_vl6_-cKN1orxWeBTC/s320/4+-+Handling+The+Newts.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="240" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Handling The Newts</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPomkAogwANV_dlyyqW2r4mmBSBAGLz7W-jbYAMOT8XEwD_LLKNoAIR9IJWCR9qkDZcNhVkNhRE7SJvwfEIN7fOwm8G7fKR2EVhEBITQ2TTNY3zby6DjpbhrAYvImH2HbkIMvaKsEMHJGX/s1600/5+-The+Remains+of+the+Dead+Raven.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPomkAogwANV_dlyyqW2r4mmBSBAGLz7W-jbYAMOT8XEwD_LLKNoAIR9IJWCR9qkDZcNhVkNhRE7SJvwfEIN7fOwm8G7fKR2EVhEBITQ2TTNY3zby6DjpbhrAYvImH2HbkIMvaKsEMHJGX/s320/5+-The+Remains+of+the+Dead+Raven.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All That Remained Of The Dead Raven</td></tr>
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Tesse Wolfsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01990838205179352071noreply@blogger.com0