BOOKS ARE BETTER THAN MOVIES

REJECTED BY "THE KERNAL," OFFICIAL ZINE OF THE ONYX THEATER IN NEVADA CITY, CA
When you see a ^ in this essay, that indicates “a book for sale at Brown Banana Books as of this writing.”

Books Are Better Than Movies

Read me out, movie lovers. Give me about the amount of time it would take to watch a “short film” to explain myself and I’m certain you’ll come to the conclusion that I’m smart. Remember when Christopher Hitchens said women weren’t funny, and you all admitted it? This essay will be like that essay, except funny.
*ahem*
PASSION OF THE CHRIST. It’s the 53rd highest-grossing movie in US History. Young and old, rich and poor, Christian and other, we all love Mel Gibson and his wonderful movie. But did you know that its literary counterpart, THE BIBLE^ is the highest-grossing piece of physical media EVER? Over 5,000,000,000 copies sold. No movie has pulled anything close to these numbers. Remember this, next time a fellow cinephile assures you that movies are more popular than books.
Furthermore—it almost feels like a cheap shot to say so—the book is always better than the movie. We’ve heard it remarked so many times we’re tired of the remark. Everyone hates the guy who says the book was better than the movie because he never shuts up, because he never runs out of examples.
Here are some examples of books that are better than their movies: LEAVING LAS VEGAS^ (yeah, I said it!), THE SUM OF ALL FEARS^, THE CALL OF THE WILD^ QUEEN OF THE DAMNED^, RED DRAGON^, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE^,  THE ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER^, ENDER’S GAME^, THE GOLDFINCH^, SUPERHERO COMICS^…
Why do you feel horrible after watching 4 movies in a day and smart after reading 4 books in a day? The QUANTITY of things is the same—what’s changed?  Back in the days of The Scholastic Book catalogue (bet it’s a friggin APP now…QR CODES and crap) us schoolchildren were often tantilized with “novelizations,” or books based on movies. Remember those? It’s a strategy for tricking children and low-IQ adults into reading. I ordered the novelization of JINGLE ALL THE WAY, back in the dingle all the day. It was bad, like the movie, and never even had a shot a being good.  
But why?
I’ll tell you why, immediately: Movies can’t handle being books. They’re the unfunny actress on the talk show with nothing to say. No depth! Sure, we love to stare at them without blinking for hours and oogle over their redonkulous, melony bazongas, but it’s always the same drama with them: Opening credits, hero’s call to action, rising action, etc. Occasionally an “indie” movie—the kind they play at the Onyx—resists this format, but even these movies hit  the classic squares on the Every Movie Bingo Card: Bright lights and attractive people wearing makeup, minus-9 hour running time, music, refusal to show full penetration, etc. It’s positively infantile!
In conclusion, books are better than movies. If you imagine culture as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, books are the peanut butter and jelly and movies are the bread. THE END.

MUSIC THAT I LIKE A LOT RIGHT NOW THAT JESSE WILL FEEL INDIFFERENT TOWARDS PT. 4 BY THOMAS

Most of my posts on this blog have been about songs that would fall into the "emo rap" label. It seems that genre’s heyday has passed, gentle reader. Much like hyphy music peaking a couple years after Mac Dre's death in 2004, emo rap followed a similar trajectory after Lil Peep's death in 2017. What we are left with is the most notable artists of the genre leaning away from the rap side and into things like pop punk, post-punk, and dance music (Bladee's transition from sad cloud rap to hyperpop is something I could write a 10k-word essay on, but I'll spare you). There is only one artist from that emo rap wave that remains heavy in my rotation:

Drippin So Pretty's lyrics have always really connected with me. Idk what that says about me, because they all follow the same themes: 1. I used to do a lot of drugs 2. I have dark thoughts 3. some emo shit about a girl breaking his heart. I suppose I just appreciate the vulnerability of his lyrics. From the song above:

Tell me what you see in me because you can't let it go

Baby I'm just being me and I hate every bone

Then in the next verse he is bragging about getting his dick sucked and threatening the listener with gun violence. DSP represents the dichotomy of man in its purest form. We are all just a mix of cocky lil shit and sad sack of shit.

One thing I love about Whirr is that their band name sounds like their music (I had to google to recall the word "onomatopoeia" lol): droning, hypnotic guitars conjuring a hazy atmosphere i.e. guitars going whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

The best form of music criticism in the post-blog 2020's is random youtube comments and nothing tops descriptions of Whirr's music:

This song is like finishing a good book or film, and not knowing what to do with your life after

Love it! Can't really beat that description.

Gleemer is my favorite band out right now. Just the right blend of wall-of-sound guitars, dreamy atmospheres, and accessible songwriting. The singer's vocals are great; emotional and longing, but always subtle and pushed back in the mix. I highly recommend their whole discography.

According to subreddit posts about Whirr and Gleemer, both bands fall under the rock subgenre of “Shoegaze”. This is because a common thought you have when gazing upon your shoes is "my guitar needs more reverb" (jk I know why it's called that, don't leave a snarky comment). It's a great genre though! Heavy and loud, without being angry, if that makes sense to you.

I cannot recall how I came across this song, but I have been listening to it constantly for the last 1.5 years. Something about the singer absolutely screaming his lungs out, while keeping a melody in his voice and the accompanying soaring emo guitars really hits the spot for me. Shoutout to the coffee machine and ugly lamp shade in the video. Very aesthetic!

I have this lil pet theory that the 80's set that standard for modern pop and the 90's set the standard for modern rock. You can hear 80's synths in countless modern pop songs, and it's been like that for years. Similarly, I have been hearing rock music with a strong grunge influence for over a decade now and I don't think it's going anywhere. Narrow Head have been making grungey rock for their entire decade-long career, but are so much more than a 90's revival band. Apart from the video's appearance and guitar tone, this song sounds pretty dang fresh to my ears. I love the change to a heavier tone at around 2:35 before the chorus (is this considered a bridge?). Check out Narrow Head if you are about that Seattle heroin life.

Ok that's all for now.

Rest in peace to Galen Kennedy AKA Nyquil. I'm sure he would hate all these songs and goof on me for not continuing to bump mid-2000s Messy Marv. Things are always changing for better or worse and I hope to appreciate each moment in time a little more as it is happening. Some good posts to read about him: Link #1 & Link #2.

Please treat yourself with kindness.

Thomas is a former--wait no, current!--music blogger and ground turkey enthusiast living in North America. He used to have the best music blog of all time (100 Grand On My Wrist, Yeah Life Sucks) but it died. RIP 100grandonmywrist.com and RIP Nyquil. I'm still in the denial phase with both of you.