SCARE TACTICS

Just in the nick of time, The Sparkling Waters are back with  another creepy holiday song. Listen with the lights on!!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Hey fans, how the HELL are ya? You doing anything for Halloween this year? (I put the word in italics to make it spookier. Do you know if there's a way to make words look shakier and/or drippier as well? Sound off in the comments...)

If you're anything like me, you're pretty tuckered out from all the eating and partying you did last Saturday night, in Sausalito, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun tonight, too. You just have to be a little more creative. Last year, for example, Halloween was on a Monday, so instead of getting drunk I went down to the Portland waterfront with my pals Joe Cutty and J-Bird Osprey, and frightened the birds.

This year, I decided to do a bird-related activity again, to get myself out of my parents' spooky garage (which I've decked out in cobwebs and fake ants, in celebration of the season) and get this blog back on topic.

You mean you're going to do some actual birding again?? You ask.

Not quite, my scary friend, but close. I'm going...BAT-ing.  

An American Bat

Bats, according to Wikipedia, are the only mammal which is also a bird. You might remember them from the movie DRACULA, or FERNGULLY: THE LAST RAINFOREST. If you have a really good memory, you might even remember some bat "facts" you learned from the kooky old lesbian who visited your school when you were 12. ("Bats are NOT gross!!!")

But even if your memory is on par with mine, the only way to truly understand bats is to go out into the dark and look for them. At least, that's what I'm guessing. Maybe it's impossible to understand bats.
I'll let you know how it goes.

MORE JOKES I'VE BEEN DOING THAT NOBODY LIKES

Walking up to an attractive couple who are cuddling in the park, tapping the woman on the shoulder and saying “is this guy bothering you babe?”
Pretending I can’t figure out what my parents’ dogs want from me when they beg for food. (What’s that, Bella? You want to borrow $20? You want me to hand you a CD?)
Flipping off kids behind their parents’ backs, then telling the parent their kid just flipped me off. (Then flipping em off one last time, while they’re getting scolded.) 
“Let’s do one where we pretend I’m running away with your camera.” (When people ask me to take their picture.) 
Referring to Oakland as " 'land-town "
Telling the barber to "gimme the G.I. Jane."

26 GOOD ASS SHORT FILMS

The Badger's Promise
Mom Bought A Drum Set 
Hot Dog Hands
I Don't Dance
Bad Butt (Produced by Baron Davis!)
Autobiographical scene number 6882
Ultimate Drumming Technique
Fatty's Back
Leperfuck
2 Wet Crew in: 3D Dream
Hands of God
Sauce Boy
Henry's Kitchen  (Series)
The External World
Bryce 
Huh? 
Joe Pera Talks You To Sleep 
M.O.P.Z.
The Psychotic Odyssey of Richard Chase
The Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau: Hippo Episode 
Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story
Cheyenne Cinnamon and the Fantabulous Unicorn of Sugar Town Candy Fudge
Chonto
Weird Movies
Man Gives Birth
Dayworld

HOW TO POUR A BEER

CELEBRITY GUEST POST: "BLADEE IS MY NEW FAVORITE RAPPER" BY THOMAS OF 100 GRAND ON MY WRIST, YEAH LIFE SUCKS

BLADEE IS MY NEW FAVORITE RAPPER

Hi friends! My name is Thomas and I used to write about rap music on a blog called 100 Grand on My Wrist, Yeah Life Sucks. That was a long time ago and I have since learned how to turn my time and energy towards more important things. Or have I? Strap in, this is not going to be a short post lol.

Let me ask you a question, gentle reader: do you feel dead on the inside? Did you answer yes? Then, boy do I ever have the musical artist for you! If you answered no, then that's probably for the best and I hope you have a wonderful life and continue to enjoy music that makes you want to dance or reminds you of good times from college. IDK.

Ok anyways, back to the dead-on-the-inside group: Bladee is going to be your new favorite rapper.

A quick background: Bladee (pronounced "blade", I think he must understand googlability) is a Swedish rapper who first came onto the scene in the early/mid 2010s as one of Yung Lean's friends. Before you jump to conclusions, I don't really think the two have a lot in common, musically. Also I'm not really a fan of Yung Lean, but he's been around long enough to no longer be dismissed as some sort of novelty/gimmick rapper. Ok back to Bladee:

This is probably my favorite song by Bladee and the first one that made me want to seek out all other music by him. I sent this song to Jesse all excited when I first heard it and he said it was not catchy enough for him. That's fair (no hook!) and I've listened to this song so many times I can't really describe why it's good at this point. I guess I just really connect with the cold and empty vibe of the beat and lyrics. Here's something a little more catchy:

Bladee is really good at writing hooks IMO and I think you can start to appreciate the chill vibes his music gives off while still having an underlying sadness. I should mention Ecco2K is his bff and does a ton of features with him and along with another rapper named Thaiboy Digital they are called "Shield Gang". What are the odds of being friends with a Thai and black guy in Sweden?? I'm guessing slim. Oh hey speaking of quality hooks:

This song makes me feel like I am floating in calm waters in the middle of the night looking at the stars as I pray for death to take me. Big thumbs down to Big Kray for lightweight ruining the song sounding like Santa Claus (comparison stolen from youtube user CrunchyCoconut). 

This is my favorite song off Bladee's last album, Eversince. Some of the lyrics here I really connect with and the opening feels very emotional and poetic to me *single teardrop emoji*. Bladee's lyrics in general are a really weird mix of expressing feelings of emptiness and isolation mixed with rap cliches such as bragging about smoking weed, referencing designer brands, and making vague threats. This might sound terrible and weird to you, but the lyrics are always abstract enough to not come across as cheesy and it works for me. Some of his lines will have you genuinely concerned for his mental health, but they are all delivered in a cold emotionless manner that replaces any angst with what feels like someone having a constant out of body experience.

Eversince is actually a great album. Truly the first rap album I've listened to from front to back that I've enjoyed in years. The production is absolutely nuts and perfectly matched to Bladee's lowkey melancholy vocoded crooning. On a lot of songs Bladee doesn't have to do much as your head is already spinning from the beat (EX: "Sick", "Romeo" & "Who Goes There"). I was able to find one legit review of the album that opens with "The paradox of Eversince is that Bladee's indifference is engaging" and describes the beats as "...like colour in suspended animation, weightless and bright." Oh boy! I have never thought about the weight of color with a "u" in suspended animation, but props to that reviewer. Is there anything more difficult than writing seriously and honestly about music without it sounding corny? I think this might be the most difficult task in writing. This is probably why all your favorite music writers kind of seem like jaded pricks.

In 2017 I digest all my music criticism and reviews via youtube comments. For example, here is a comment from Bladee's "Subaru":

This is the most succinct and accurate review I have found of Bladee's music.

In my mind, this is the song Jesse is most likely to enjoy. If you find the left-field weirdo beats a bit much, then perhaps this more traditional trap beat is the Bladee track for you. Oh also! Please take note of Ecco2K's verse (2nd verse), it is overwhelmingly dope. Basically just weird word association, but he rhymes rhinestones/iPhone/limestone/Cairo/die slow, so how can you not love that!?

Ok that's it! Bye and thanks for reading. I hope you are doing well. Just focus on working hard and being kind to others and everything will turn out fine. Don't dwell on negative thoughts and let them manifest in harmful actions towards yourself. It's all about learning how to be critical of yourself so that you can improve your actions and not self-destruct. If you focus on serving others you will be happy and you can start to slowly vacate that pit of emptiness and despair in your heart.

...

Wow!! Thanks again to Thomas for sharing his gift with the world. Whenever he contributes to this blog I feel like a rapper who "got bodied on his own song," but like Thomas always says, you have to put your ego aside for the greater good. Please don't stop bloggin', Thomas.

CANCER

I thought I had cancer inside my colon

When I found blood in my stool

Thought it was cancer when my tongue felt swollen
Curthed God for being tho cruel

I thought I had cancer inside my eyes

Which is rare in a person so young

But rare didn't stop me from starting to cry  

When I felt the thing spread to my lungs

I thought my mole was a cancerous mole

Because it it looked bumpy and brown

When my pancreas tingled, beyond my control

I knew I was going down

Finally, I went to my doctor, Miss Klein

To find out the source of my pain

My entire body was perfectly fine--

The cancer was all in my brain!