GUEST POST: "400 LBS"

This is a poem by Andrew Bevard, who's a fellow dishwasher at the restaurant I work at. It's the most intellectual dish pit in the state!!!

400 LBS. 

She waddled up to my front door 
from the street
A real donut of a woman
Caked in layers of frosting and glaze
She was ugly; had the sexual appeal
of an abscessed tooth
She came inside
Her scent was reminiscent of wet dog
and overcooked Brussels sprouts
I was simultaneously excited and nauseous
I was going to fuck her.
We worked
She came
She shit in my bed

VANCOUVER BOYS BOOK CLUB, IN REVIEW

Vancouver Boys Book Club, In Review

Here it is, folks: The long-awaited book-by-book review of every book we read in the Vancouver, WA Boys Book Club.  (2016-2017.)

This is a long one so I'm putting a break here. Click the "read more" link below these words if you want to read more. 

JOKES I'VE BEEN DOING THAT NOBODY LIKES

Asking people at the dog park if they "want to buy a bag of dog shit."

Going into the "quiet car" on Amtrak, and loudly asking if it's the "loud car."

Shushing motorcyclists.
Shaking my head solemnly and saying "looks like another child drowned" when I find a pair of discarded child-size sandals on the beach.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY !!!!!!!

Here it finally is, folks: THE 4TH OF JULY SONG by my beloved rap group, The Sparkling Waters. (Explicit content.)