Thursday, July 6, 2017


Comedy, as stand-up comedians have taught us, over and over and over, on their dreary podcasts, is an inexact science. In fact, it's not even a science at all. Something that seems hilarious to me might be met with cold indifference from you (for example), and something that doesn't seem funny to me in the slightest might be a Mike Birbiglia special. This might seem discouraging, but don't worry: somebody will like your joke or impression, eventually. You can't beat the numbers game! (Incidentally, are you, reading this, trying to fuck tonight? Sent me an email.) The important thing is to never give up. You might have to do it 5 or 6 thousand times before someone finally laughs at it.
To inspire you, here are some jokes and impressions I've been doing that are still waiting on that laugh:


Telling the waitress that I'm "still working on it" when my food is 99.5% eaten and there's no way I could still be working on it.

I actually get why people hate this one. It's of that extremely tedious school of comedy where you just respond to a polite, obviously-the-answer-is-yes question in a negative way. (See also: people saying "no" when you ask if you can use their bathroom.) But when you do it at a busy restaurant around closing time, it is actually very funny. 


FRIEND/BUS DRIVER/ETC. : "Man, it's fucking hot outside."
ME: "Yeah...I might even say it's too hot!!

I think in this case, people's heat exhaustion distracts them from the understated brilliance.

My impression of John Wayne with tourettes:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I've got the big C-C-CUNT!!"

I do a really good John Wayne impression, I should say. But this is destined to be an unpopular impression on several levels. First off, nobody understands the reference. This is the biggest problem. People know who John Wayne is, but they forget his famous-at-the-time announcement that he had "The Big C." (Cancer.) Then, if anyone DOES understand the reference, and why would they, there might be someone who has cancer or tourettes at the party (if it's a good party, there'll be both), and they might feel uncomfortable, even if they like the impression. THEN you've got the problem of "dropping the C-bomb," which has a bigger "blast radius" than you might think. People always want a quick explanation when you say that word. They don't want to hear you explain to them about John Wayne's hilarious cancer diagnosis.
Sometimes, I wonder if it's even worth doing the impression. And now that I'm typing it, I'm realizing that it barely even makes sense.


"Want to buy a bag of dog shit?"

As loyal readers of this blog already know, I'm a very romantic and funny guy who, as a result of these traits, is extremely good at comingup with ideas for romantic comedies. This little quip was an idea I had for the "icebreaker" that the Hugh Grant-ish male lead says to the Zooey Deschanel-ish female lead when they meet for the first time, at the dog park. (This moment is known in the screenwriting biz as a "Meet Hook.")
Perfect right? (I should also say that Hugh Grant has a comically enormous dog that takes comically enormous shits.)
But in the bleak, unromantic real world, it just gets a strained smile.

Going into the "quiet car" on Amtrak, and loudly asking if it's the "loud car."

Quiet people are dicks.

Sometimes, I wonder if I even am a funny guy. Maybe I'm just one of the 90% of guys who thinks he's funny, but isn't actually funny to anyone but himself.
Just kidding.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my lord I laughed out loud at the loud car one. All of your jokes are hilarious IMO.