Friday, December 1, 2017


I decided to knock this out early, to avoid the rush.

The New Pornographers at the Wonder Ballroom in Portland - 4/16 (Easter!)
I was pretty full of Easter Ham for this, and the opening band made me ashamed to be part of the white race, but it was an outstanding show. Part-time band member Dan Bejar, who has a really annoying voice, was missing, and in his place was a good-voiced, attractive violinist. Good switcheroo, New Pornographers! Dan Bejar's style is not conducive to the type of New Pornographers songs I like. His songs make me feel like I'm lying facedown at the bottom of a pool with a suit on (maybe Thomas would like him! Ha ha), and my favorite New Pornographers songs make me feel like I'm diving into the water to save that guy. Visually, I remember this concert being very blue.  
Devin The Dude at Whirled Pies in Eugene - 5/5 (Cinco De Mayo!)
This show reinforced my affection for holiday concerts and the city of Eugene. J-Bird and I had both been listening to ACOUSTIC LEVITATION a lot leading up to it, so we were way more prepared than everyone else, and that was a good, superior feeling.  J-Bird said something funny to Devin that I can't remember and I yelled "TOP FIVE ALL-TIME RAPPER," which is an annoying thing to yell, but also true. I think he heard me. (My voice carries pretty well.) After the concert, we got pizza and heard some hippie say the N-word. I fell asleep with a candy bar in my pocket and it fused together with my lighter.
Aimee Mann at Revolution Hall in Portland -  5/10
I told everyone that I won tickets to this concert, because it was "off-brand" for me, but I actually bought the tickets myself on a whim. I got cold feet before going and tried to give the tickets away to my friend Nora, but she didn't respond to my text messages in time. (Classic Nora!) I ended up going with Glasses Brandon and enjoying the concert a lot. Aimee Mann is tight. Fuck brands!
DJ Premier at the Star Theater in Portland - 6/3
This ended up being a disappointment, concert-wise, but I felt extremely chill and carefree the whole time because I went to a happy ending massage parlor earlier that day. (Don't judge me! It was RIGHT across the street from my house, and I held out for like 6 months.) This was also the day I heckled Ronald McDonald at a parade, and hurt his feelings. Good day, overall! I was hitting it off with a good-looking hipster girl on the balcony, but I laid it on too thick with the wisecracks and eventually she realized I had no substance and left. (Whoa, maybe I was the hipster.) After the show J-Bird and I took dabs in some couple's car and J-Bird weirded them out a little by asking too many sexual questions.  
Future, Young Thug and A$AP Ferg at Sunlight Supply Amphitheater in Ridgefield - 6/11
I completely blacked out.  
Ween at Les Schwab Amphitheater in Bend - 7/1
This was the concert that turned J-Bird into a Ween "super-fan." They played THE MOLLUSK all the way through for the first time ever, and Deaner altered the lyrics of "The Blarney Stone" to reference the bed bugs he'd gotten in Reno the night before. I was wearing my bright orange mood-altering sunglasses (for virility!), so this was a very orange concert for me. The next day, I left the sunglasses at a diner.
Some Led Zeppelin Cover Band at J-Bird's Friend's Farm - 7/20
I haven't listened to Led Zeppelin since I was 14, but the farm was really cool and the pork they served was delicious. After the concert I passed out in a chair and everyone else stayed up smoking DMT.
DJ Quik and Scarface at the Crystal Ballroom in Portland - 8/11
TOP FIVE ALL-TIME RAPPERS!!! Ha ha. This started out as a great concert--DJ Quik is still a lovable, candid bro's bro and Scarface is still very intense and loves playing "Wish You Were Here" on guitar--but it ended prematurely because of an alleged gunshot. Booooo!!!! I cowered under a folding table like a pro.   
Thundercat at the Slowdown in Omaha- 9/16
This was in the middle of my "finding myself" vacation to Omaha, and there was a big thunderstorm outside, but I still didn't find myself. Thundercat is a great bass player, and a cool guy, but I can't get into his music. It's not rousing enough!!!!
Juiceboxxx at American Legion Hall #134 in Portland - 9/23
This concert was so inspiring I wrote Juiceboxxx a letter about it. My friends didn't like it as much.
Ween at the Masonic in San Francisco - 9/27 and 9/28
J-bird and I had to drive all the way from The Couve to San Francisco the day of the first show, because we got the dates mixed up. Pretty impressive, huh? These shows weren't as good as the Bend shows, but they played a lot of songs I hadn't heard live before. (Do you want to know which songs they were? No??) My dad watched the second show from the balcony and gave it the thumbs up.  
The Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival at Golden Gate Park in San Francisco - 10/7 and 10/8
I was pretty sober for this, and didn't see as much high-speed fiddlin' as I wanted to, and the t-shirt I bought was too small and the weed/vitamin chocolate I bought from a barefoot hippie girl tasted like frozen pencil eraser, but none of that stopped me from having a toe-tappin' good time. 90% of the people who read this website were there.
Rebirth Brass Band at The Sweetwater in Mill Valley - 11/17
I had 2 extra tickets for this concert, because my parents cancelled, and I wound up giving them to a "Valley Boy" friend of mine and his GF, because I couldn't find two girls who would go on a date with me at the same time. The band played that infectious tuba beat they sample in "Gangster Walk" (and probably 10,000 other songs) which had me doing my "Spiderman climbing up a wall" dance like it was going out of style. (Don't worry, it's not going out of style.) Then they played "When The Saints Go Marching In", for the first time in their 30+ year history.

That's all for now, fans. See you in a month, for the Winter Holiday Concert Round-Up.

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