Sunday, November 19, 2017

PROBLEMS WITH GIRLS


 
Do you spend a lot of time thinking about the opposite sex, fans? I know I do. I think about girls every goddamn day, it feels like. I guess I'm a romantic at heart.
Unfortunately, the girls I keep falling in love with don't want anything to do with me. They want some fairytale Mr. Perfect, with perfect Hollywood breath and popular, pro-semitic political views, who'll sweep them off their feet and take them away to Perfectville. They see a lone, beat up old wolf like Tesse "The Wolfman" Wolfson and run for the hills. (Watch out for coyotes, girls!) Here's what they're forgetting, though: I have a lot to offer them that this "Mr. Perfect" they're dreaming of can't offer. Do Mr. Perfect's parents have a hot tub? Is he as good at buying CDs as me? You might like the way Mr. Perfect can talk to you for hours, and satisfy your soul with his poetic, thought-provoking words, but I bet I can talk louder than him. If I get lost at the farmers market, or injure myself in the woods, you'll always be able to find me. Just follow the sound of my yell!
These great points I'm making go right over girls' heads. They're so busy dreaming of Mr. Perfect and picking out a slutty dress to wear to prom (my romantic interests tend to be blonde, 18-year-old cheerleaders with huge tits and lots of makeup), they don't even notice the real Mr. Perfect sitting right across from them on the bus, giving them the "finger guns."
It just goes to show you, life isn't always the way they make it seem in the movies. In real life, the wisecracking lone wolf doesn't always get the insanely hot girl. Sometimes, the insanely hot girl ends up with an insanely hot guy instead. (Yuck!)  I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but I worry sometimes that I'm going to get so desperate I wind up settling for a plain-faced or slightly overweight girl. Who would want to see THAT movie?
Anyway, if you want to go out on a date, let me know in the comments!!

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