Thursday, October 19, 2017

OK FINE, I'LL UPDATE MY WEBSITE AGAIN


Sorry fans, I've been slackin' (blame the jackin'!) and blowing all my good quips on real life interactions as of late. No One Dies Forever headquarters has moved, once again, to my childhood bedroom, and whenever I move back in with my parents I like to spend the first week or so lolling around the house in my boxers, lighting spliffs with a barbecue lighter and listening to The Meat Puppets' HUEVOS on my boombox, in the name of "laying low and planning my next move." 

Anyway, let me tell you a story from last week. I was looking for my lucky beer koozie (SIDE NOTE: where the hell are you supposed to store your beer koozies, anyway? I always start out keeping them in the "random shit drawer" in the kitchen, with the push pins and soy sauce packets, but that never really works. They poof out too much and get in the way when I'm opening and closing the drawer), and the search was starting to get frantic because I was on my way to one of Stinson Beach's famous "beach parties," where if you show up late or without a koozie, the locals will take all your beer and throw it into the ocean "to keep it cold," and while I was rummaging around in my room for this koozie (it's my NACHES TAVERN koozie, in case you were interested--it reminds me of my old friend Lucas, who died in Vietnam) I uncovered something pretty interesting: Some LAFFY TAFFY-style jokes I wrote down in my old "Urban Birdwatching" notebook!!! And I'm going to share them with you here.

How do you find Mel Gibson in the woods?|
With a boozehound!!

What do you get when you cross Donald Trump with a tiger?
A fat tiger.

Why was Donald Trump such a failure in the casino business?
He ate all the chips!!

What does my parents' fridge have in common with Chance The Rapper?
It's over-raided by my peers!!

(This one is a knock knock joke. WARNING: It's very hit-and-miss!)
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Interrupting social justice warrior.
Interrupting social ju--
THAT'S RACIST!!! 

That's all for now fans. See you next tuesday, as they say. (Watch that movie, it's excellent.) 

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