This Tuesday's blog post was inspired by my prison pen pal, [ANONYMOUS]. As a once-weekly consumer of my content, [ANONYMOUS] knows that I'm an excellent writer, and in his last letter he gave me some short story ideas. (Seriously, aspiring writers: Get a prison pen pal. They are the most attentive audience you could ask for--about 50x better than your fickle facebook friends--and you can use their ideas without having to credit or pay them. Yours will probably not be as good as mine, but that's life for you. If it was fair, they'd call it "fairfe.") The story idea [ANONYMOUS] gave me is about North Korea, because that's one of the topics we discussed in our last exchange. Here it is, in his own prison pen-words:
"two people go on a trek to North Korea and they stumble upon an actual unicorn. And while they are on their journey they experience things of the supernatural realm, or maybe just mysterious things happen. Or maybe they stumble upon a murderous, psychotic, lunatic, serial killer. Maybe tie in a weird radioactive mutant or village of radioactive mutants who live downstream from a nuclear reactor or military testing site. Or maybe the government is inspired by the work of Dr. Joseph Mengele (sp?) and are pushing his ideas to horrific extremes."
Tight, huh? All that was left for me to do was take his idea, make a rhyming poem out of it and cut out a lot of the plot points, so I wouldn't have to do as much typing and reasearch.
Enjoy the collaboration!:
THE UNICORN OF NORTH KOREA
by Jesse Wilson*
Seoul had took its toll upon the soles of our adidases.
Much like the tattoos atip our throbbing, flaccid penises,
We'd gone fast and sloppy, and now yearned for something more
What besides a party did this country have in store?
'Twas a truly wondrous place, but where was my Korea?
It hit me as I nursed a burst of diarrhea:
What if me and Frederick--that's the name of my compatriot
Go and check that country sitting North; see if they're fakin' it.
Fred, of course, said "absolutely not," because he's practical
But I convinced him just to take a peak--"and nathan saxual."
When I really want to be, I can be quite the charmer!
This came in handy when we had to bribe the farmer
who took us in his boat, up (or down?) the river Han
and dropped us off right as the blood red sun delivered dawn
Across that girthy river, we could see the hermit kingdom
I took out my binoculars, then dropped em hard, and dinged 'em
Cause I saw something standing there, upon that foreign shore
That made me question everything that I believed before
It was a mighty "horse," with a coat of blinding white
and a HORN upon its head. It was super fucking tight.
And if you thought I liked it, well, I wish you had seen Fred
I will not forget his face until the day I'm dead.
A man is what he loves, I learned, no matter how he tries
to make it seem like he is one of those "no-nonsense" guys,
and Fred, I guess, loved unicorns. He swan-dove off the bank.
I think he's in the salt mines now, to be quite (Lisa!) frank.
I'm moved by Frederick's passion, but I wish he'd heard my cries
That the unicorn was probably two Koreans, in disguise