Tuesday, March 7, 2017


"Cargo shorts are like a backpack for your legs."
-My brother.

It's always hard to know how to dress when you're going on a hike. If you bring too much nice Patagonia stuff, people might think you're a tool, but if you just wear your regular clothes, you might sweat too much and chafe your thighs. So what the hell are you supposed to wear? The answer, as it so often is with this type of thing, is to wear a rash guard and cargo shorts. It might feel like insufficient coldness protection in the morning, when you first leave home base, but it'll pay off down the line, when your jacket and Levi's-wearing friends are gasping and mopping their brows with lambs ear every ten seconds, and you're sitting casually on a dead tree 100 yards in front of them, checking your bird apps. Just make sure you bring shoes and socks, too.
"But Jesse," you're probably asking, "what about my--"
"I know what you're about to say" I say, interrupting you.
You want to know if you can bring your archaeologist hat. You think there might be some attractive college students on this trail, since you're near a college, and you want to show them your new archaeologist hat, because it's intellectual with an outdoorsy twist. Might be the key to uncovering the ancient remains of your sex life. But guess what: you CAN bring your archaeologist hat, if you really want to, but it's not going to help you sleep with any college students. In fact, the sorry truth of the matter is it's not going to help you sleep with anyone. (Except an archaeologist, obviously.) I know, because I've had my archaeologist hat with me a long time. I can see the girls looking and giggling, when I take it to the the bar. They think I'm a creep, just because of my hat. Relax, girls, I'm slinking out of the door and walking around the block to buy gum. I know how to assume no for an answer. I'll be happier here anyway, at the corner store with the corner store guy. Those guys never judge you based on your clothing.  
Ok, so we've got our clothes now. Shoes, socks, cargo shorts, rash guard. And boxer-briefs. What type of binoculars are we supposed to bring? Good question, pal, but I don't know the answer. I don't own a pair binoculars yet. (And I'm actually thinking of getting a MONOcular, so I can explain it to people.) Whatever you have though, I'm sure it's pretty good.
Just don't forget your field guide!


  1. I like to bring along a bottle of Moet as well, just so you can stay pissin' pink.