Tuesday, February 21, 2017

WHAT'S COOLER THAN BEING COLD?


Dun diddle un dun dun diddle un dun dun diddle un dun dun, dun diddle un dun dun diddle un dun dun diddle un diddle un diddle iddle un, dun diddle un dun dun diddle un dun dun diddle un dun dun, dun diddle un diddle un diddle un diddle un diddle iddle un dun, dun dun!!  Remember, from King of The Hill? The Opening? That's pretty much what I did, yesterday. Except, like I said two posts ago, all my friends (except J-Bird, who's less of a friend than he is a live-in coworker who I share all my darkest secrets with) moved out of town recently, so it was just me, drinking by myself in an alley. Drinking iced coffee. Clinking it around in my glass, like I owned the place. I just started drinking iced coffee this week, after I heard someone cooler (!) than me talking about it, but already I consider it an important part of my lifestyle. I take cold showers now, for example. I have this new philosophy about how being cold is just as good as being warm. You just have to WANT everything to be cold. When you walk out into the kitchen in your boxers at 6am, and your feet feel cold on the tiles, you think to yourself "ahh, nice cold floor." You think to yourself "the other parts of this room are too hot," and you take your boxers off. Go outside, where it's colder. That's what I was doing in the alley yesterday morning. Fortunately, there was a nice cold wind whooshing right through there, and it was raining. The rain watered down my iced coffee a little, but that was OK. Water off a schmuck's back. As I was sitting there, though, chilling (!), drinking and clinking and shrinking, who should I make eye contact with but a GIANT GERMAN SHEPARD, running right at me!!!! I don't know about you, but those dogs freak me out. At least, in this type of context they do. And then there was a GIANT MAN WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE chasing the German Shepard!! I think he was German, too. Then I realized something: They were BOTH chasing me. The German Shepard AND the German Man. Fuck, I thought. I'd better get running, or they'll catch up to me pretty soon. So I ran, faster than I've ever run at my current weight, even though I was running against the wind. And the wind kept blowing right into the frothy jaws of the German Shepard, causing his bloodlusty saliva to splash off his teeth like waves off a jagged coastline. It was very menacing!!!!! So menacing, in fact, that I dropped my iced coffee. The pint glass slipped onto the ground and shattered into 46 (or so) jagged pieces. AHHH SHIT, I screamed, but then the German Shepard stepped on one of the pieces, and it went right through his foot. Now it was HIS turn to scream!!!! He didn't get far into his screaming fit, though, because the German Man caught up to him and started hacking away at his head with the butcher knife. I guess he wanted to kill the dog after all. That's about the time I got home, ran inside, and bolted the door shut. Phew! After I put some clothes on and poured myself a cold glass of iced coffee, I cautioned a peek out the window, and no one was there anymore. What the fuck is wrong with everybody? I thought. And I went back to bed.

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